ll, it’s October and that means all those McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for fall. I can just see those Autumn Autobots now putting on their fancy schmancy sweaters and scarves. Just thinking about those Fall Fanatics makes me nuttier than a homeless guy eating a Payday candy bar. When I was a kid we had way more fun during fall. 

I can picture those Indian Summer Suckers going to the Cider Mills and spending a fortune for a Dixie Cup full of Apple Cider and a Stale Donut. When I was a kid, we went to an Apple Orchard once, and only once. We had 8 kids packed in my Dad’s Chevy Vega. The guy at the orchard gave us a brown paper lunch bag to put our Apples in and told us to drive into the orchard. When we got into the orchard, no one could see us, so we crammed apples in every crevice of that Chevy Vega. They were apples under the seats, in the glove compartment, and even in the spare tire compartment. Then about a half-hour later, we drove out of the orchard and my Dad handed the guy a lunch bag with 7 apples in it and we paid him $1.75 and we drove away. Sure, we were committing Apple Larceny, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!

And you can bet those Lazy Loafers will be going on car rides with their parents to see the leaves changing colors. When I was a kid, the only thing we did with leaves was rake them up in a pile and then jump into them. Sure, sometimes someone would leave a hard metal rake in the pile of leaves and you’d get a rake handle in the face, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!

And then those Nature Nincompoops will be taking long walks in the fall. When I was a kid when we went for walks we’d find chestnuts. Now there was only 2 things you could do with chestnuts. You could put a stick in it and make believe it was a pipe, or you could throw them at squirrels running along a telephone wire. Sure, most of the chestnuts would miss the squirrel and end up denting some guy’s aluminum siding, but we didn’t care, we loved it.

So, you go spend the month with your rotten kids and enjoy all the Fall colors. As for me, I’m going to have an old-fashioned autumn like we used to. First, I’m going to go to an Apple Orchard and stuff lot of apples in every crevice of my 1971 Ford Galaxy 500. Then I’m going to drive to Sussex Street on Detroit’s West Side and any squirrel that dares to run across a telephone line is going to get hit by an Apple right in the Keister.