December La Nina Diary
McCarty Metro December 1998 Edition

Note... please use your own adjective every time you see #&!!#%
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December 9 - We awoke to a big, beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveways and the sidewalk. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
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December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is through.
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December 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. I shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again, and then the snow plow came by and did it's trick again.
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December 15 - Today I sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. I also bought snow tires for my wife's car.
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December 18 - Fell on my ass on the ice on the driveway. All that was hurt were my feelings.
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December 21 - Had another 14 inches of that white #&!!#% last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The #&!!#% snow plow came by twice.
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December 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of that #&!!#% fell today and with this freezing #&!!#% weather, it won't melt until August. I got all dressed up to go outside and shovel (boots, snow suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then got the urge to pee.
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December 23 - I was going to go ice fishing today, but the #&!!#% worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their #&!!#% teeth on my #&!!#% bait.
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December 24 - If I ever catch the son of a #&!!#% that drives that #&!!#% plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls!!! I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street at 100 miles per hour throwing that #&!!#% all over what used to be my lawn!
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December 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS! They predict 20 more #&!!#% inches of this white #&!!#%. I wonder if they know just how many shovels full of snow 20 inches is??? Them #&!!#%s!!! #&!!#%Santa, he doesn't have to bust his balls shoveling that #&!!#%. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I wrapped him upside his #&!!#% head with my #&!!#% shovel!!!
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December 26 - Guess who the heck got 28 more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever because my wife is starting to look real good to me!
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December 27 - #&!!#% toilet froze!!! If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow!
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December 29 - Today I set fire to my house. Now I'd like to see that white #&!!#% cling to my #&!!#% roof!!!

Who Was Santa?
People From the Old Neighborhood Who Could Have Been Santa
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Ballard Mallard or Baggard Maggard - Did he really fall off the porch into the bush or did he actually fall off the rooftop and into the bush?
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Joe Morrison - Drove his sleigh into Papler's house
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Kay Schultz - Asking how much that doggie in the window was gift shopping?

The 2-gallon bottle of perfume that Dad got Mom every year. From this, they invented the term “Toilet Water.”

Grandma’s Christmas-Eve parties and setting Tiny traps for her little dog. The usual plan involved luring the unsuspecting dog with a piece of Macaroni and Cheese.

Setting Hot Wheels tracks to go down the stairs where the cars picked up enough velocity to go into a loop-de-loop and go airborne into the Christmas Tree.

The Christmas tree starting on fire and Dad throwing it out the front door, just missing a lit up Neal McDonald. It the flames would have come in contact with Mr. McDonald’s breath, the whole block might have blown up.

Mom’s precise instructions on how to put “tinsel” or “icicles” on a Christmas Tree. She would always give up on us and put all of the tinsel on by herself.

The aluminum tree on Sussex.

Electronic Football by Coleco with the vibrating field, plastic men, and the magnet football. Every play ended up with a mass of vibrating players stuck together and one guy knocked over on his side running in circles like Curly Howard.

Picking the baby Jesus out of the manger with a Verti-Bird Helicopter.

Mom passing out batteries on Christmas Morning like a stadium peanut vendor. She could toss you A’s, AA’s, C’s, D’s and even a 9-volt in the blink of an eye.

Dad playing poker and making High-Balls for anybody that wanted one.

McCarty 2003 New Year's Resolutions

-Stop emptying the sand in my shoes over my computer keyboard. – Dennis

-Become chapter president of the Detroit Lions Fan Club. – Rick

-Get a booth next to Gary Busey at the Hollywood Collector’s Show. – Jerry

-Run for mayor of Lebanon, Tenn., and write 50 letters to the editor. Or was it write to the mayor of Lebanon in 50 words or less? – Larry

-Enforce a new rule: All Westerners must keep both shoes on in the office. – Vinnell Arabia Computer Dept.

-Triple the pay of reporters on The McCarty Metro. – Kelly

-Start up a deflated stockowners support group: Phlat Cat. – Steve

-See if Kelly has any “Cockroach Party” records left and sell ’em at the Hollywood Collector’s Show, next to Gary Busey. – Jerry

-Ask Uncle Steve how he learned to change a baby’s diaper without gagging. – Andy

-Introduce the Knights of Columbus to Robert’s Rules of Order. – Kelly

-Become a D.A. so I can get to say, “Man one, 8 to 15.” – Rick

-Tell Andy that a bandana tied loosely and placed over the lower half of the face is a necessity when cleaning vomit or changing diapers. – Mum

-Record a self-help album, “Play Drums with Lake Speed.” – Larry

-Finish writing a novel. So far, I have: “Militia Justice” by Mike McCarty, $19.95.

-Several kids raced around a bend in the road, cut across a parched lawn and plopped themselves down on the first shady, unoccupied tufts of grass they could find at the edge of Shoreline Drive.” – Mike

-Open up a used mail-order golf club business. – Rick and Kevin

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December, 2003

D.J. on skates, holding a little Steve over his head, then CRASH! Going sledding with Dad at Rouge Park - down a hill, into a stand of trees, then CRASH!

Mike in bare feet, putting toddler Andy on his shoulders at the top of a Lake Michigan sand dune, running down, then CRASH! (Whoops, this was a STUPID SUMMER TRICK.)

Mike sledding with the kids in Grand Rapids, going solo on a piece of plastic, becoming airborne after hitting a snow embankment, then CRASH!

Mike getting his car stuck on a curb cut and ice on a driveway on Goldridge Lane.

Mike slipping on glare ice while walking back to work from a lunch break in Grand Rapids. This turned into a great WINTER TRICK because:
A) Mike became a human luge on a downtown sidewalk, hurtling down a steep hill on his back, not stopping until
B) He used his arm to snag a lightpost at the corner of a busy intersection.

Mike's Mercury sliding on ice while trying to turn a corner in his neighborhood, hitting a snow embankment and becoming airborne. The front axle of the Mercury came to rest on top of something behind the snow bank - a fire hydrant. Mike's next trick was scrounging up the money to pay for damage to the undercarriage. The fire plug was unharmed.

Larry stuck in a snow bank, has his CB Buddies, Spinner and Paddlefoot, come and push him out of the snow bank. Paddlefoot's pickup truck breaks an axle but still manages to push Larry out. Larry drives away leaving the broken down CBers behind. Thanks, good buddy!! 

Mike drives in a snowstorm from Grand Rapids that is so bad his windshield wipers freeze. Mike is forced to drive 100 miles with the drivers window down making a windshield wiping motion. During dinner his arm uncontrollably flaps up and down. 

DJ spins out his Gran Prix on Tilch trying to endorse a check while driving in a snowstorm. Later he tries to blame it on Kelly who was not in the car, but who took the pen that he usually used while driving and signing checks. 

Larry, Carla, Jerry, and DJ drive in Kelly's Party Van from Escanaba, MI in a snowstorm with no heater. The only heat comes from a candle in a coffee can. While driving 75 miles per hour in the fast lane the back door is opened so the can and a burning blanket can be discarded out the rear of the van. 

LOST CHRISTMAS VIDEOS FROM THE DECEMBER 1993 MCCARTY METRO