The McCarty Metro - Jerry's World

ll it’s June and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and want to go to watch the Detroit Tigers in that fancy Comerica Park. Just thinking about those Baseball Buffoons makes my butt hurt more than those plastic seats at Old Tiger Stadium. Baseball was much better at Michigan and Trumbull.

Those Television Twits need to have a big Jumbo-Tron screen to tell them when to cheer and to show them replays. Fiddle-Foey!! When I was growing up we didn’t need no stinkin’ Jumbo-Tron. We watched the game! And if you missed the play, you had to ask the 80 year-old guy with the Transistor Radio in his ear and he would tell you what happened. Sure, he’d yell at you because you made him miss a play on his scorecard, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

And those Bathroom Bellyachers nowadays need to go pee every half-inning from drinking their Jumbo drinks. Those bathrooms at Comerica Park have all the latest electronics with their fancy motion detector flushing and their hot-air hand dryers. When we were kids we peed in a long urinal trough with no partitions and we used to try to pee on cigarette butts to see how fast we could make them float down the urinal trough. Sure we had to stand next to drunks and child molesters, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

And you can bet those freebie freeloaders will want to go to all the giveaway games. They are probably marking their calendars now for “Free Rally Towel Day” and “Magglio Ordonez Mini Bat Day” what a bunch of crappy giveaways. That Mini-Bat is about the size of a Golf Pencil and they don’t even have “Free Ball Day” anymore. When we were kids, we had Free Ball Day, Free Bat Day, and Free Cap Day and they were regular-sized! We’d come home from the game and head to Coyle Park to play with our “Free Official Bowie Kuhn Signed Baseball”. Sure the ball would fall apart after about 5 hits, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!

So you take your kids to the fancy schmancy Comerica Park. As for me, I’m coming to town and I’m gonna head to the corner of Michigan and Trumbull with a transistor radio in my ear. And then I’m gonna go find a Urinal Trough and see how fast I can make my Magglio Ordonez Mini-Bat float down the urinal. And then I’m going wipe hands off on my Rally Towel!!