| JERRY'S
WORLD
Nowadays, as soon as a commercial comes on, I grab the remote control and go channel surfing faster than
Moon-doogie on the old Gidget movies. These crappy commercials from today make me more upset than Mr. Whipple after a big dump with no
Charmin.
When I was a kid, we had good commercials with good dialog. "Take out Funny Bone - HA! HA! HA!. Now that was humor! These commercials today spend the whole 60 seconds with the camera jumping around faster than Flying Fred Curry in a frying pan. Who's holding the camera, Howard
Cosell? I guess they figure if they hold the camera still, we might see what crap we're
buying.
And these celebrity endorsements drive me nuts. If I gotta see that Metro-Tire commercial with Probie once more, I'm gonna go find Dwayne-Buddy and stick that cellular phone up his butt. It's been 3 years ... WE GET IT!!! Celebrity endorsements when I was a kid consisted of Mr. Belvedere showing you some fat lady's
aluminum siding while his phone number flashed across his chest. Sure he was nasal and boring, but we loved it!
And nowadays, you got all of these products advertised that we used to get our mouths washed out for talking about. You can't watch a show without seeing feminine protection, women's underpants, or June Allison peeing all over herself. When I was a kid, the dirtiest commercial we had was trying to get kids to say "You sunk my Battleship" while holding their
tongue.
I've had it with these crummy commercials, I'm boycotting all products that advertise on TV. I'm only buying products that are advertised in the magazines I read. So from now on, on birthdays and holidays, you can expect Joy Buzzers, X-Ray Glasses, and Sea
Monkeys. |
DAN
THE MEDICINE MAN
Dear Club Med: I found a bunch of pills and I would like to know if its alright to take them. --No hurt, no
pain.
Dear Kurt Cobain: Hey, are you off of your rocker, you rocker! If those pills were in a brown bag with the initials
DJM, then give 'em back. I couldn't find my personal stash the other day and my body nearly seized up. Why without my daily dose of 12 essential vitamins and
barbituates, my finely tuned machinery will turn into mush and I'll look like George Burns. So if you know what's good for you, you'll return my drugs. Don't make me come out to your place. I'm so stressed out because I haven't had a fix in so long that I can't be responsible for my actions. I'm telling you right now that if I have to come looking for you, I'll shove a demoral suppository so far where the sun don't shine that you'll be playing backup to Hendrix and Lennon. Don't make me come out
there!
Dear M & M: What's the difference between a
Demeral suppository and a sensoral depilatory? --Color me hairy.
Dear Harry Colon: I bet you're one of those guys that people talk about when they say that you don't know your #%* from a hole in the ground. So I guess I should walk you through this one of you won't have follicle left on your bum. A sensoral depilatory is used to remove the hair off women's legs in place of shaving. A
Demeral suppository is what they found up Kurt Cobain's butt and what they'll find in your ear if you send me any more stupid questions like this one. I wish I were like Dear Abby with thousands of pieces of mail to choose from so that I wouldn't be forced to use such ignorant letters from idiotic excuses for human excrement that shouldn't be allowed to roam the streets and taint the existence for the rest of us real people. Oh yeah, by the way, thanks for writing. Keep in touch, I really
care. |
