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THE BEST OF
From Our March
2005 Edition
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 ll, I’m
sick and tired of these little McCarty grandbrats being
such picky eaters. The food has to be just right or else
they turn up their noses. Just thinking of those epicurean
idiots makes me hotter than the inside of my tuna pot pie.
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Those
little finicky fussbudgets have to have their Hot Pockets
and their Go-Gurts. Like their lives are so complicated they
have to save time by sucking yogurt out of a tube on the
run. How much time are they saving anyway? When I was a kid
if we wanted a quick meal, we got cheese and crackers or a
Swanson TV Dinner. My mom would fold back the aluminum foil
on the TV Dinner, so she didn’t burn the Apple Brown
Betty. After 40 minutes, you’d have a fine meal of
Salisbury steak and peas & carrots. Sure, the Salisbury
steak had a frozen center and the veggies were stuck to the
aluminum tray, but we didn’t care we loved it, because we
were happy with what we had.
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And
you can never get those on-the-go goofballs to sit down 5
minutes for dinner. “Oh, I have to go to soccer practice and
then sit in the Abercrombie internet chatroom.” Fiddle
Fooey! When I was a kid, we all sat down for dinner together.
There were ten of us and we only six chairs, but we were
together. Sure, I had to sit in an old highchair and Mom and
Larry had to sit on the piano bench, because they were
left-handed, but we didn’t care we loved it!! Because we
were together.
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And
when it comes to drinks, these beverage buffoons have to
have their own private mini bar. They have their Red Bulls,
and their Propel Fitness Water, and their juice boxes with
tiny straws. When I was a kid we didn’t need no fancy
schmancy beverages. If you wanted a drink with dinner, you
got two choices…. You got Full 100% Fat Vitamin D
Homogenized Milk, or you got nothin! And if you wanted a
drink of water, you went in the backyard and got a drink
from the hose. We were bloated from lactose, but we didn’t
care, we loved it! Because if someone laughed, the milk came
out their nose. |
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So,
you continue to wait on your little coddled kiddies, but tell
them if they come to my house they’re getting a crappy TV dinner
and a warm cup of milk, and they better not spill anything on
my piano bench.
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