ll, it’s September, and that means it’s time for those rotten grand brats to go back to school. I can picture those Stammering Students now getting ready for a whole new school year and spending a fortune to go sit in class and learn nothing. Just thinking about those Remedial Rugrats makes me more unhinged than the Parkman Elementary Special B Woodshop Class. Back to school was way better when I was a kid!

I can picture those Well Dress Weenies now walking through the Mall shopping for Back to School clothes. They’ll be buying lots of Loose Fit “Destructed Denim” Jeans and T-Shirts with something ironic written on it. When I was a kid, the only “Destructed” clothes I got were the ones that my older brothers handed down to me. And we did all of our shopping at K-Mart. We would have to come out of the dressing room, so my Mom could make sure the pants weren’t too loose. Sure, all the other shoppers would be laughing at us, while my Mom put her hand down the back of pants to check ‘em, but we didn’t care... We loved it!

And you can bet those Pampered Pupils wouldn’t think of going back to school unless they have the latest technology. They’ll have iPhones, iPads, and anything else that’s electronic and expensive. When I was a kid, all we got was a 3 Ringed Binder, a protractor and a pencil case. Sure, that pencil case would be filled with number 2 pencils, erasers, and paper reinforcements. If you forgot to zip your pencil case shut, you’d have those little reinforcement white circle things all over the floor, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

And those Techno-Teachers nowadays will have their websites for their classes and be sending group emails to all the parents. When I was a kid, my parents and my teachers had a “Don’t ask/ Don’t tell” Policy. I didn’t tell my parents anything about my teachers and my parents didn't want to know anything about my teachers. The only time the school ever contacted my parents was when I called Joe Webb, “Spider Web” and he called me “Jerry McFarty.” My parents didn’t know anything about my classes, and they loved it!!

So you take your Uneducated Underachievers out to the Mall and spend lots of money on T-Shirts, Blue Jeans, and Electronic Do-Dads, but I’ll be in the K-Mart waiting for a Blue Light Special on Protractors.