ll, it’s July and that means those McCarty Grandbrats will be traveling all over the place. They will be on their Hoverboards, Segeways, and Scooters. Just thinking of those Mobile Morons burns my butt more than the vinyl seats on my Dad’s Plymouth Volare. We traveled around a lot cooler when I was a kid.

Oh I can picture those technology turds now getting on their fancy schmancy Hoverboads. They look like morons standing in on a stupid white Hoverboard while the little LED lights flash. I’m no expert, but shouldn’t a Hoverboard Hover? What you got there is a funny looking skateboard. When I was a kid we got around in style on my sported out Stingray bike with Banana Seat, Sissy Bar, and extended forks. We could get around with two people on the seat and one sitting on the handlebars and if you put a clothes pin and a baseball card on the spokes it sounded like a real chopper! Sure if you hit a bump the person on the handle bars would get their feet caught in the spokes and you’d get a rupture if you hit the crossbar, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

And you can bet those iPhone iDiots will be double clicking on their Uber app so they can have some hipster named Nambid in a Volkswagen Jetta pick them up and drive them anywhere from here to Timbuktu. When I was a kid, we just got our parents to drive us places. Sure my dad would drop us off about ½ a mile from the school to avoid traffic and then we had to listen to the Kozlowski’s complain about how their Mom drove us all the way to the door, but my Dad didn’t. But, we didn’t care - we loved it!

And those Pukey Public Transportation Pedestrians love taking mass transit trains all over the city. When I was a kid the only train we rode was the one at the Detroit Zoo. We’d sit on that train and have the time of our life. Sure, when you went through the tunnel, my brothers would throw peanuts at me and give me “Wet Willies” but I didn’t care, I loved it.

So you go ahead and let your kids travel all around your stupid cities. And while your kids are wearing helmets, kneepads, seatbelts, and shoulder restraints, I’m gonna let my kids travel around the old-fashioned way like we used to. Sure they might come home with skinned knees, busted nuts, wet ear lobes, and peanut shells in their hair, but...