ll, it’s July and that means those McCarty Grandbrats will be going on all sorts of Summer Trips. Just thinking about those Vacationing Varmits makes my butt burn more than going down the Stainless Steel Slide at Coyle Park. We had way more fun during the summer and we didn’t have to break the bank to do it.

These Little League Losers will be spending a fortune playing on their little league and T-ball baseball teams. They’ll have shiny new uniforms, batting helmets, aluminum bats, and umpires. When we were kids we paid 10 cents to play on the Coyle Park Softball Team and all we wore were cut offs and an undershirt. One time, Mike Devine decided to make uniforms for everyone and wrote on everyone’s T-shirt with a Blue Magic Marker. Unfortunately Magoo’s spelling wasn’t so good, so the team had to be called the “Blue Angles.” Sure we played softball in misspelled undershirts, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!

And those Beach-Going Babies will be going to lots of beaches to cool off. When I was a kid, we didn’t go to the beach. Once in a while the Park Director at Coyle Park would take a monkey wrench to a fire hydrant and we would run through street getting sprayed by water. Sure there would be broken glass and bottle caps by the curb but we didn’t care we were happy to get cool. 

And those pathetic painters love to go to Paint A Dream and Color Me Mine so they can pay $65 to paint some crappy clay cat that will sit on a shelf until their kids move out. When we were kids at Coyle Park they would sell us plaques for 25 cents to paint. They were made out of plaster and asbestos and then they gave us lead- based paints. Sure, we made Toxic Arts & Crafts projects, but we didn’t care, we loved it.

So you keep spending a fortune on your bratty kids this summer, as for me, I’m gonna give my kids a T-Shirt, Sharpie, and some Asbestos but since we have a drought in California, they can only run through the sprinklers on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 10 minutes between the hours of 5 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.

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