Well, it’s October and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be doing lots of School Community Service Projects. Oh I can see them now with their National Honor Society, Key Clubs, and Students Against Drunk Driving. Just thinking about those volunteering vermin burns me more than Michael J. Fox raising awareness for Parkinson’s Disease with a candle in a paper plate. We did way better community service when I was a kid.

These Gullible Goldbrickers love to talk about how generous their teacher volunteers are. Fiddle Fooey!! The only reason those teachers do the community service is for the double-time pay. When I was a safety boy at Parkman Elementary, the head of the safety boys was Mr. Kumblovitz. He was a grumpy balding gym teacher who wore a wind breaker and drove around in a VW bus with curtains on it. And on cold days, Mr. Kumblovitz always made us Hot Cocoa. Sure we’d be drinking powdery hot drinks, while on our unattended corners kids were getting hit by cars. But we didn’t care, we loved it! Because the Cocoa had marshmallows!

And these Community Service Cuckoos love to volunteer for the senior citizens. “Ewwww, aren’t I great because I just sang a song for an old person,” believe me those old folks don’t like kids and they don’t like you. The only reason they listened to your crappy song is so they don’t have to talk to each other. Because the only worse than singing kids is old people! My brother Danny did real community service. He used to take kids that peed their pants home from school. Sure, he’d come home smelling like urine and tears, but he didn’t care, he loved it.

And you can bet those Fund Raising Fools will be selling all sorts things to raise money. They’ll be selling popcorn, wrapping paper, cookies, and even T-Shirts. When I was kid all we had was a March of Dimes book, which had coin slots in it. We’d fill that book up with dimes and then proudly hand it to our teacher. Sure the book only had about 15 slots in it, so each crippled kid only got $1.50, but we didn’t care we loved it!

So you let your rotten kids waste their time saving the whales or stopping human trafficking, but for me, I’m going to take kids on an old-fashioned community program. I’m getting a windbreaker and a VW Bus and we are going to drive around and give Dimes and Hot Cocoa to old people and then when they pee their pants we’ll take them home. And they’ll love it!!!