Well, it’s Thanksgiving, and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats are going to spend that day laying around and eating. Just thinking about those Gobbling Gluttons makes me hotter than the cooking thermometer in my Turkey’s butt. We had way better Thanksgivings when I was a kid.

You can bet those lazy loungers will be waking up and laying on the couch watching the Macy’s Day Parade on the television. I don’t know what’s so special about watching the Cast of Book of Mormon lip sync while wearing scarves and gloves. When I was a kid, my dad was a policeman and would volunteer to work the JL Hudson Thanksgiving Day Parade. Then he would take us down and find us a great spot to watch the parade while he got triple-time pay. Sure, while he was looking for pick-pockets we had to hang out with hobos and hookers, but we didn’t care we loved it!!

And then after they watch the parade, those channel surfing slackers will be watching the Detroit Lions game in 70-inch Ultra-HD and Surround Sound while eating 7-Layer Dip. When I was a kid, the Lions football game would always be blacked out in Detroit, but that didn’t stop my Dad. He’d turn his Transistor Radio to WJR and then put our 16” Magnavox TV to Channel 3 out of Cleveland with a pair of needle nose pliers because the knob was broken. Sure, there was so much snow and static on the TV that sometimes we’d realize in the 2nd quarter we had been watching an episode of Fraggle Rock, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

And then finally when the game is over, those Holiday Half-wits will make their way to the kitchen table eat Thanksgiving Dinner. “Ewwww, this is a special recipe by Celebrity Chef Jamie Oliver…La Te Da.” Fiddle Foey!! We didn’t need no Cheeky Brit to tell us how to cook a turkey! My Mom would chop up a bunch of Wonder Bread, stuff it into the Turkey’s dead carcass, and then sew it up with a needle and thread. Then for a little extra flavor she’d pour a can of Vernors over it and put the oven on “High”. Sure it was usually frozen in the middle and we’d be pulling thread out of our teeth, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

So you have your fancy Thanksgiving Dinner, but I’m going to start chopping up some Wonder Bread and go shopping for the biggest Turkey I can find. Then I’m going to invite some hobos over and have an Old Fashioned Thanksgiving like we used to!