DATELINE NEWS FOR MAY 1994

Dateline Metro HQ: The next issue of the McCarty Metro will be the second video installment of the Metro. Due to the reviews of the X-mas installment, this one will be released on the 4th of July. I would like to have everyone's segments in by June 21, so it can be edited together. Lets have everyone try to make a contribution. 

DATELINE Metro HQ: Rumors leaked out recently that the editor of the Metro was sick and near his death. "Those reports are totally false" says an upset Margaret McCarty. "I've never felt better in my life".

Dateline Augusta: "And the winner is Dan McCarty. Dan, limp on up here and get your award". Defying the oddsmakers, the medical profession, and Mike Wiacek with his "watered down" field, Dan won his second Gull Lake Tournament in 9 tries. Dan was playing so well on Day 2 that he said "It wasn't like putting into a hole, but rather a bushel basket". Mike was seen on number 18 looking for traces of bamboo. Dan flunked his drug\urinalysis test, which is mandatory of a Gull Lake champion. Other players of note, Steve McCarty, ranked 11, finished 3rd. Kelly McCarty finished in a log jam in 4th place, and John Russo finished 8th.

Dateline Grand Rapids: A dissappointed Chris McCarty, who made his confirmation on May 15, did not receive any gifts. In a bizarre twist, Kelly's son Chris got about $500 and a new watch at the reception. "Boy! I don't even know the Hasse's, but they sure are generous to a stranger" an elated Chris said from his Clinton Twp. home. Asked if he felt bad about the heart-broken Chris from Grand Rapids, Kelly's son sang "Swing Low Sweet Chariot....."

METRO TRIVIA QUIZ
Submitted by Mike

1. Fill in the first names: ___Ford, ___Parkman, ___ Mackenzie
2. What 2 clubs was Mike in at Mackenzie?
3. Who had the shortest sermons at Gate Of Heaven?
4. Where on Sussex was the Tiger Stadium grass transplanted?
5. What team did Ricky Schmidt manage in Big League Manage baseball?
6. What was the name of Skip Pascoe's dog?
7. What Bishop did Mike take on in the Gate Of Heaven bulletin?
8. What's the only rule about hitting people in Hide The Belt?
9. What was the 1st insect launched into space in the Sussex space program?
10. What was Larry Chene's famous move?

COLLEGE BEAT

Last month I went on a most excellent field trip to the "Windy City". Chi-Town! Home the Blues Brothers, Stuffed Pizza, and the Good Times TV Show. It was awesome! We slept in an old church where I learned the meaning of the saying, "He who farts in church must sit in his own pew". 

Here are my favorite things to do in Chicago: Go into Michael Jordan's restaurant and ask "is this place named after that sucky minor leaguer? Ask every fat lady I see, "Are you Oprah?" Spit off the Sears Tower. Phone Gay bars and ask to speak to Mike Ditka. Sit in the front of an elevated train with my hands up in the air while screaming.

COLLEGE HUMOR

Q. How many Hope College Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink beer until the room spins.

DPM'S TOP 10 WAYS TO END A BAD BLIND DATE

1. When you get into the car start singing "817 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"
2. Blow bubbles into your Milk glass.
3. While in a fancy restaurant rip a loud fart, then stand and take a bow.
4. If you are at the movies, keep trying to make shadow pictures during the movie and yell "This is a Rabbit!".
5. Keep mumbling "I have to be home by the time the street lights come on or my Mom will be mad".
6. Ask your date if HIV is contagious or does it have to be full blown AIDS.
7. While at the movies, wear homemade "Movie Spy Glasses" fashioned from a popcorn box.
8. Turn your eyelids inside out.
9. Change into a Superman costume and say "Someone's in trouble! Gotta go!"
10. Play "Come on Baby Light My Fire" with your armpit.

DAN, THE MEDICINE MAN

Dear Club Med: I found a bunch of pills and I would like to know if its alright to take them. --No hurt, no pain.

Dear Kurt Cobain: Hey, are you off of your rocker, you rocker! If those pills were in a brown bag with the initials DJM, then give 'em back. I couldn't find my personal stash the other day and my body nearly seized up. Why without my daily dose of 12 essential vitamins and barbituates, my finely tuned machinery will turn into mush and I'll look like George Burns. So if you know what's good for you, you'll return my drugs. Don't make me come out to your place. I'm so stressed out because I haven't had a fix in so long that I can't be responsible for my actions. I'm telling you right now that if I have to come looking for you, I'll shove a demoral suppository so far where the sun don't shine that you'll be playing backup to Hendrix and Lennon. Don't make me come out there!

Dear M & M: What's the difference between a demoral suppository and a sensoral depilatory? --Color me hairy.

Dear Harry Colon: I bet you're one of those guys that people talk about when they say that you don't know your #%* from a hole in the ground. So I guess I should walk you through this one of you won't have follicle left on your bum. A sensoral depilatory is used to remove the hair off women's legs in place of shaving. A demoral suppository is what they found up Kurt Cobain's butt and what they'll find in your ear if you send me any more stupid questions like this one. I wish I were like Dear Abby with thousands of pieces of mail to choose from so that I wouldn't be forced to use such ignorant letters from idiotic excuses for human excrement that shouldn't be allowed to roam the streets and taint the existence for the rest of us real people. Oh yeah, by the way, thanks for writing. Keep in touch, I really care.

Dear Manny: I've heard of old axioms that tell about medical facts like "feed a cold, starve a fever". Do you know any others?
-- Some Axioms are Good.

Dear Ax me something good: Do I know any? Do I know any? Why I wrote the book on these proverbs that can be used to keep you healthy! Here's a few of my favorites: "If your shoulder's got a chip, get a metal hip", "Whoever smelt 'em, dealt 'em", "Upon this john I sit and linger, ain't no paper so I'll use my...", "A malt a day means a headache to pay", "All cherries are good except for the bad ones", "If you sneeze, cough, and fart at the same time you'll die", "Snot is protein...ask my brother Dennis", "Pass gas into a lighter and soon your butt will be much whiter", "Pick your nose to get the crud and you'll need a candy wrapper to stop the blood", "Snort up flem to hack a loogey, don't swallow this mess or you'll eat a boogey". And finally "Vomit in the morning, vomit in the evening, vomit at suppertime. Sounds like you're really sick!" No, I'm sick and I'm going to lie down. Bye for now. 

It was the bottom of the first inning with runners on second and third when Wally Modowski came to bat at the tree up the third baseline. Facing the ominous right handed official pitcher, D.J. McCarty (7) over twenty years his junior, Wally pointed to left field where with a mighty swing of his bat drove the hard ball an amazing 150 feet into the back yard of the house at Ellis and Robson. The guy came out, swore at John Nivala, and kept the ball ending the game that night.

The teams split up on either line of scrimmage for the extra point try through the wooden corral after the first touchdown scored that afternoon. Rick McCarty, the first soccer style kicker in Coyle Park history dropped back in the unorthodox off center set while John Staley sat in the crouch to receive the hike. Dan McCarty snapped the ball and Staley set the ball down on his toe as Ricky smartly drilled the ball with a solid kick. All players looked on in disbelief as Neil Nation dove through the line into the flight of the oncoming pigskin resulting in a direct hit to the right side of his face. Neil ran home crying and the rest of us couldn't stop laughing so that was the end of the game that day.

A sunny afternoon, a clothes pole, and a couple of seat cushions were all we needed to have a high jump contest on North York one afternoon. Jerry McCarty had lettered in the "sport" so he was showing off by going for unbelieveable heights in excess of 4 feet. Larry McCarty, the last Russian style jumper in the state cleared the bar and ran into the fence unable to stop his forward momentum. Not to be outdown, Kelly McCarty used the Fosberry Flop method but missed the mattresses leaving him with back problems to this day. Mom came out and told us to quit it so we did.

A routine pop-fly into shallow left field should have been the third out but both the outfielder, Steve Kasprczyk, and the short stop, Mike McCarty, called for the ball. Rich Jascot rounded all the bases as the resulting crash sent both fielders to the ground in a heap. As was standard procedure in the case of concussions at the park, both players were ejected and the game halted because now you could only hit to one field and nobody wanted to chase the balls that went into center. As the dazed infielder Mike McCarty went home, he stopped at several houses on Sussex asking each owner whether or not he lived there. Mike spent three days living with the McDonald's before he realized he didn't belong because he did not have red hair. That's why to this day most people don't know whatever happened to Mike McDonald; he came back to live with us.

A crack of the bat sent a fly ball hurtling through the air into right field. The noise caused a stunned Dennis McCarty's eyes to pull away from his view of Patty Pilgrim smoking on the shed and rivet onto the oncoming baseball. Although Dennis could usually count on right field for little or no action, today was different. He thrust his flat Al Kaline mitt into the air and turned his head away from the impending collision of ball and glove. In an unsolved mystery that Robert Stack will feature on an upcoming episode, the ball somehow stuck in the flat mitt and the batter was out. Dennis jumped for joy and ran around in circles rejoicing in his feat. But there was no joy in Muddville because it was only the second out and all the baserunners scored while the infielders yelled at Dennis for not throwing the ball in. To get even, Dennis took the ball home and that ended the game that day.

The incoming lineman rushed Steve McCarty as he dropped back to pass. His arm flung the pigskin to the streaking receiver just as he was about to be hit. His hand banged against the head of the tackler and shattered the bone in his middle finger. Following multiple operations and splints from the noted orthopaedic surgeon, Brakim Goode, they were still unable to straighten the digit to its original position. That's why even today when Steve sticks his hand out the window for the breeze many driver's assume Steve is flipping them off.