Well it’s March and did you hear that Grandbrat Megan McCarty just got her Driver’s Permit. Oh I can picture it now. Those grandbrats all get brand spankin’ new cars with all the options so they can drive around like lookin’ all fancy schmancy. When I was a kid, our parents got us crappy cars and we were better off for it. 

I can picture those Driving Dorks now in their composite body shiny vehicles. They’ll be getting the “VIP Car Wash” with Carnuba Wax and New Car Fragrance extras. When we were kids, Michael, Dennis, and Ricky got one crappy car to share among them. And it was a 1963 Corvair. That car was so rusty the floorboard rusted out you could see the ground. Sure when it rained water would splash on you and the car smelled like dirty feet and egg salad, but we didn’t care, We loved it!!

And those Protective Parents have to make sure the car has every safety option known to man. They’ll have GPS, LoJack, AAA, and On-Star. When we were kids we had to fend for ourselves. My brother Danny got a crappy 1977 AMC Hornet and put a kill switch, the Club, locking gas cap, and a removable 8-Track Tape Player on it. It was like putting expensive infra-red motion cameras at the 99 cent store. Sure the biggest deterrent to the car getting stolen was the fact that it was an AMC Hornet, but we didn’t care we loved it!

And how about those Moron Motorists having to get blue tooth hands free talking on their phone so they don’t text and drive. My brother Larry could drive his 1971 Plymouth Duster while eating a Peanut Buster Parfait, Large Coke, and talking on his CB Radio. And my brother Mike drove from Grand Rapids in a snow storm using his left hand as a windshield wiper. AND my brother DJ could drive a stick shift while throwing a Tennis Ball out the window and giving someone the finger. Sure, DJ once spun out in the snow while trying to write a check while driving down the freeway, but he didn’t care, he loved it!!

So you Vehicular Varmits enjoy your fancy new car, but when my kids get their first car it’s going be an old fashioned car like we used it. It’s gonna have bench seats, bald tires, AM/FM converter, roll up windows, and it’s gonna smell like dirty feet. And they’re gonna love it!