Well it’s February 2014 and that’s means those little McCarty Grandbrats will parked on their Keesters watching the Winter Olympics. Just thinking of those Sochi Suckers makes me more uncomfortable than Vladimir Putin at Menjo’s. When we were kids we didn’t bother watching the Olympics on TV, we made our own fun.

I can just see those Bobsled Boobs going downhill wearing helmets and padding in a carbon fiber bobsled. When my dad was 50 he went down the snow covered hills at Rouge Park in a plastic boat wearing just a trench coat and a Fedora. Sure he wiped out and his Fedora went flying but he didn’t care, he was happy with what he had.

And those McCartys love watching those Ludicrous Luge Losers? I can see them know in their Spandex Pants going a course with a helmet and goggles. “Oh how brave!” Fiddle Fooey! When I was a kid we would polish up the Steel Slide at Coyle Park with Wax Paper to make it extra slippery. And we didn’t need no helmet, we went down that slide wearing a T-Shirt, Cut-Offs, and Shoes with no socks. Sure sometimes there might be broken glass or dog poop at the bottom of the slide, but we didn’t care, we loved it.

And those Screwball Skating Fans love to watch Figure Skating. The only degree of difficulty for me is watching some guy in high waisted pants and a bedazzled shirt spin around without me getting dizzy. When we were kids we made a Super 8 Movie of my brother Dan giving my brother Steve an airplane spin on skates. Sure he fell on his face and then yelled at us for filming it, but we didn’t care, we loved it. 

So you Winter Wienies enjoy watching those Spoiled Sports on TV. And while you’re watching that I will hanging out at my local playground going down the slide and screaming “Weeeeeeeeeeeee!