The best part of Parkman Elementary School was getting those cheap 500 for $1.99 Valentines Day cards. Here's a few of my favorites.

COLLEGE BEAT
by Andrew Maxwell McCarty

Hey McCarty Dudes! January was an awesome month for snow up here at Hope College. While most dudes are inside, I like to be positive and find cool things to do like:

Run through campus yelling, "Hello, you beautiful old Bailey Brothers Building & Loan!"
Slide down the railing outside my dorm and re-enact that "Agony of Defeat" Wide World of Sports guy.
Go to the Elias Brothers restaurant and pack snow to make the Big Boy anatomically correct.
Tell little kids that yellow snow tastes like a Lemon- Lime Slurpee.

CRIMESTOPPERS NOTEBOOK
By Lt. Rick McCarty

Dear Lt. Rick, Let's say you see a guy stealing a TV and a dead guy next to him. The guy sees you and starts running. How do you know when to fire a warning shot and when to shoot to kill? -2 Shoot or Not 2 Shoot

Dear Twoey. If I miss, it was a warning shot. -Your Pal, Lt. Rick

HEY KIDS, LT. RICK WAS PLAYING PING PONG AND THE BALL ACCIDENTALLY WENT DOWN THIS TWELVE INCH PIPE IN THE FLOOR. THE BALL IS THE SAME DIAMETER AS THE PIPE, SO LT RICK CAN'T REACH DOWN THE PIPE BUT HE CAN SEE IT. HOW CAN HE GET IT OUT?

(HINT: LT. RICK ONLY HAS ONE KIDNEY)

CLASSI-FRIED ADS

Left over cheese nibbler tray. Call Jean V.
Bike and driving lessons. Sears certified - Call Milk
1 used bike, 1 wrecked car, 1 clumsy husband. Call Karen
Used fat black books of women, or used black books of fat women, or fat black books of used women. Call Tex
House searches \ inspections. Reasonable. Call Lt Rick
Full plate of ambrosia salad. Free for inquiry. Call Kate
Hip ball & socket joint (chipped). $10 or b\o. Call DJ
"How To Hurt The Family". Do-it-yourself video kit. Call Larz
1 video camera, 3 girls. Call Carla
10,000 Brad Savage & The Cockroaches limited edition records. Call Koko
Used AK47's, assault rifles, and Cliff Claven collectables. Call Margaret
"I Wanna Be Harry". Harry Connick Jr makeup kits. Call Bear
1992 Convertible Cutlass and mens rollerblades. Call Kathleen
Bypass code for Danny's answering machine messages. $1500. Call Steve
Muskrats and muskrat parts. Call Kristen

GQ CORNER
by Ryan McCarty

Being that I am the only McCarty who dresses cool. I thought I would fill all of you in on what I wore to school last week.

Monday - Structure Shirt, Jeans, Baseball Cap
Tuesday - Structure Shirt, Jeans, Baseball Cap
Wednesday - Structure Shirt, Jeans, Baseball Cap
Thursday - Structure Shirt, Jeans, Baseball Cap
Friday - Depeche Mode T- Shirt, Jeans, Baseball Cap (on Backwards)

THE BACKYARD MECHANIC
by Dan McCarty

Dear Mechanic: Now that winter is here, how can I make a few bucks with my car? -- Car Entrepreneur

Dear Cow Manure: Here's a few things I've picked up from my brothers over the years. You can try to tie a snow shovel on the front bumper to push snow, but it usually costs more to replace the shovel and broken headlight after you've rode over it a few times. Not too many people are receptive when they see your "snow plow" anyway and a lot of them call the cops. Another way is to take jumper cables and look for people who can't start their cars. For a few bucks apiece, you can get them going in a few minutes. Be sure to look over your prospective clients because I've lost more than one battery to some innocent looking gangster with a gun. Finally, you can let some people sleep overnight in your car to stay warm. The trick is to collect from them each night, kick them out each morning, and be sure to tell them the "crapper" is outside. Good luck

Dear Mechanic: I'm tired of cars behind me with their bright lights on. What can I do? -- Blinded By The Light

Dear Manfred: Don't be a wu ssy. My favorite tactic is to slow down until they are forced to go around you. Then, when they get in front of you, turn on your high beams and follow them until they get so ticked off they either pull out of the funeral procession of they pull along side you to fire a few rounds in your window. I'm currently working on a new device that incorporates a light tower from Briggs Stadium that will pop up in my back seat. The next time one of these jerks pulls in behind me, I'll flip the switch and he'll find himself parked in some store front blinking his eyes like Gordie Howe after a photo session.

DAN THE MEDICINE MAN
by Dan McCarty

Q. My plantars warts have been bugging me lately. What should I do? -- Plantar Man

Dear Transplant Man. Don't be a sissy. Why don't you do like I do and have a new foot put on. Come on, it's no big deal. Why, I've had so many new parts put on that I think the only original equipment I've still got is my right eye and left ear. Go ahead, just do it and you'll see that a new foot is nice. Look at the bright side.. you won't have to take the time to clean the cheese out of your old toes.

Q. Since I started playing basketball two nights a week, my muscles in my legs ache. Any ideas? -- Pro Trainer

Dear Prosthesis. Have you ever thought about plastic? I mean, you won't have to worry about those nagging aches and pains if I were to fit you with a couple of plastic limbs. Besides, maybe you could jump higher with some new springs.

Q. I found an old tube in the medicine cabinet. It's called Nupercanal. What is it good for? -- Just Asking

Dear Ass King. Haven't you ever heard of hemorrhoids. A little nupercanal on those babies will shrink them up so small that your morning wipe will be a lot more to your liking. By the way, if they've become so bad that they cause you a lot of pain, there is a new butt transplant that I heard about. Just a couple of slices and a few stitches and your pooper will feel super.