Dateline Macomb: The McCarty Metro's annual Employee Dinner Dance is scheduled for December 24, 1998. The Palace of Auburn Hills has already been booked by some other engagement, so the party will be held once again at Mom's house. The scheduled entertainment are Jean & Joan Brad Savage. Steve & Kristen will be on hand to do their 148 Swami questions. Rick will be warming up his Alfred Hitchcock impression. Also on the agenda will be the traditional phone calls to Mom from employees around the world. (be there at 5:30 AM to get Saudi Arabia')

Editorial Apology: As editor of the On-Line McCarty Metro, I would like to apologize for some things that were on last month's page. First of all, I would like to apologize for my son Austin for telling his Uncle Steve to bite me... er... him. Secondly, I would also like to apologize for using derogatory language last month in the Letters To The Editor. It was probably one of the best liked letters in the short history of this page, but it was totally uncalled for. I would also like to apologize to Mom for having spilled the beans about Steve being adopted. Also, an apology goes out to the fine citizens of Long Beach, CA, who had to endure looking at my ass out of the Queen Mary in '78. I could go on and on, but I would only be apologizing next month for things I said this month.

MR. MIKE'S MATH CORNER

Attention, all McCartys. For this month's math lesson, the subject is story problems. Our problem is taken from an actual, typed letter from our newspaper girl. Here are some excerpts from the letter, exactly as it was written.

1. This will be my last month of peddling the PRESS to you. I will be ending my career as a press carrier on December 31st of this year.
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2. If you're planning on any vacation during the month of December, I must know right now, so that I can make any corrections for your December bill.
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3. If you will be gone, and you are a daily paper subscriber, you can deduct .387 per day that you will not receive the paper. For instance, if you are gone 7 days, deduct $2.71 (7x.387), making your bill $12.00 - $2.71 = $9.29. If you have any trouble, let me know, and I will figure it out for you.
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OK, class. Let's assume I will be gone 3 days this week and 1 more day next week. And let's assume that I'm threatened by the letter and and I feel I MUST pay up right now.
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A. How much do I owe for the month?
B. If I have trouble figuring out the bill and the paper girl spends 8 minutes figuring it out and charges me .371 a minute, how much do I owe?
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There have been some of you who have been a little disturbed with me, but for the most part, all of you have been wonderful. Let's say I am no longer fearful but miffed at the disturbed crack. Does she mean me? OK, here's the math question: How much of a Christmas tip do you think the paper girl will get?

Class dismissed. Next month, I think I can talk Mademoiselle Jill into giving us a French lesson.

December La Nina Diary
Note... please use your own adjective everytime you see #&!!#%

December 9 - We awoke to a big, beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveways and the sidewalk. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is through.

December 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. I shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again, and then the snow plow came by and did it's trick again.

December 15 - Today I sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. I also bought snow tires for my wife's car.

December 18 - Fell on my ass on the ice on the driveway. All that was hurt were my feelings.

December 21 - Had another 14 inches of that white #&!!#% last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The #&!!#% snow plow came by twice.

December 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of that #&!!#% fell today and with this freezing #&!!#% weather, it won't melt until August. I got all dressed up to go outside and shovel (boots, snow suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then got the urge to pee.

December 23 - I was going to go ice fishing today, but the #&!!#% worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their #&!!#% teeth on my #&!!#% bait.

December 24 - If I ever catch the son of a #&!!#% that drives that #&!!#% plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls!!! I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street at 100 miles per hour throwing that #&!!#% all over what used to be my lawn!

December 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS! They predict 20 more #&!!#% inches of this white #&!!#%. I wonder if they know just how many shovels full of snow 20 inches is??? Them #&!!#%s!!! #&!!#%Santa, he doesn't have to bust his balls shoveling that #&!!#%. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I wrapped him upside his #&!!#% head with my #&!!#% shovel!!!

December 26 - Guess who the heck got 28 more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever because my wife is starting to look real good to me!

December 27 - #&!!#% toilet froze!!! If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow!

December 29 - Today I set fire to my house. Now I'd like to see that white #&!!#% cling to my #&!!#% roof!!!

I've been giving presents to McCarty kids each year for a long time, but lately, my temper is as short as a slouching elf.

You kids always ask me, "Where's Rudolph?" "How come you don't have Rudolph with you this year?" Well boys and girls, if you want to see a red nose, you're gonna have to find Joe Morrison. Last month, we stopped for lunch at a McDonalds near Jackson, MI, and some Detroit cop killed Rudolph with a bow and arrow!!!

And the way you McCarty kids want all your presents wrapped is driving me nuts. I spend a month wrapping that stuff. Before I would just dump them in piles in the basement. Sure, the wrapped gifts look great, but do you know how hard it is to wrap pistachios!!!

I also want to give you a tip on what to do if you don't like your presents or if you break them on Christmas morning. Do what your parents did. Just exchange them for something in your brother or sister's pile. I remember one year, little Jerry McCarty slept in and got 8 packages of Silly Putty.

And finally, if you are thinking of leaving me a cookie and milk, unless it's a chocolate chip cookie, KEEP IT!!! I got better things to do at night that forcing down some stale store-bought, no brand, sandwich cookie that no one else in your house will eat.