Well it’s November and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for Thanksgiving. Just thinking of those Pathetic Pilgrims makes me hotter than the Aluminum Foil my Mom used to put over Turkey in the oven. We had way better Thanksgivings when I was growing up.

You can bet those Gourmet Goofballs will be getting recipes from Top Chef for their Turkey with Chestnut Dressing. Blah!! When were kids, the only thing we did with Chestnuts was throw them at Squirrels trying to climb up a telephone pole. And if we got really bored, we would poke a stick in a chestnut and pretend it was a pipe. Sure we looked like General MacArthur’s retarded kids, but we didn’t care, we were happy with what we had!

And you can bet those Lazy Loafers will have their keesters parked on the couch watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on television. They’ll be watching a bunch of Broadway Blowhards singing show tunes riding on gigantic extravagant floats. When we were kids, my dad was a policeman and would volunteer to work the JL Hudson Parade in Detroit, and take us with him. Sure, I remember shivering, sitting on my Dad’s shoulders watching high school bands and clowns on tricycles, while pick pockets and pedophiles roamed freely on Woodward Avenue. But we didn’t care we loved it! Because my dad was getting paid double-time!

And after they eat their Thanksgiving Dinner, those Dessert Derelicts will be having all kinds of fancy schmancy pies. There will probably be 15 different homemade pies all sitting on the table. When we were kids, we got 1 pumpkin pie in a dented A&P Box for 10 people. We would each get one tiny sliver of Pumpkin Pie and would cover it with Reddi-Whip from an Aerosol Can. Sure we were wired up on Sugar, Nitrous Oxide, and put a hole in the Ozone layer, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

So you have your Fancy Schmancy Family Thanksgiving, but as for me I’m taking my kids to downtown Los Angeles where we will go throw chestnuts at squirrels and child molesters. And then we’re going to get 4 cans of Aerosol whipped cream and have an old fashioned Thanksgiving. Hey, where’s my wallet!

Happy Thanksgiving!