And you can bet those Gourmet Goofballs will be making all kinds of dishes that nobody wants to eat. “Ewwww... I made a green bean casserole with graham crackers, marshmallows, and goat cheese. It’s like I got invited to some weird Vegetarian Greek Campfire. My Mom didn’t need no fancy ingredients, she just opened Van Camps Pork and Beans and dumped in our crock-pot with the frayed black electrical cord. Those beans were so good my Aunt Laverne would hip check all the kids to get at seconds, but we didn’t care we loved it!!

And you can bet those Degenerate Disk Jockeys will be playing Michael Buble’s Christmas Album for music ambiance. When we were kids we had one Christmas Album and it was Great Songs of Christmas by the Firestone Tire Company and it had Andy Williams, Percy Faith, Robert Goulet, and the Ray Coniff singers. Sure it was warped and had so many scratches it sounded like you were listening to it through a waterfall, but we didn’t care we loved it.

So you go to your fancy parties and have a Merry Christmas. As for me, I’m loading up on High Balls and Baked Beans and while your listening to your piped in Yanni music, I’m going to be listening to the Ray Coniff Singers and farting along to Jingle Bells.