• The 2-gallon bottle of perfume that Dad got Mom every year. From this, they invented the term “Toilet Water.”
  
• Grandma’s Christmas-Eve parties and setting Tiny traps for her little dog. The usual plan involved luring the unsuspecting dog with a piece of Macaroni and Cheese.
  
• Setting Hot Wheels tracks to go down the stairs where the cars picked up enough velocity to go into a loop-de-loop and go airborne into the Christmas Tree.
  
• The Christmas tree starting on fire and Dad throwing it out the front door, just missing a lit up Neal McDonald. It the flames would have come in contact with Mr. McDonald’s breath, the whole block might have blown up.
  Mom’s precise instructions on how to put “tinsel” or “icicles” on a Christmas Tree. She would always give up on us and put all of the tinsel on by herself.
  
• The aluminum tree on Sussex.
  
• Electronic Football by Coleco with the vibrating field, plastic men, and the magnet football. Every play ended up with a mass of vibrating players stuck together and one guy knocked over on his side running in circles like Curly Howard.
  
• Picking the baby Jesus out of the manger with a Verti-Bird Helicopter.
  
• Mom passing out batteries on Christmas Morning like a stadium peanut vendor. She could toss you A’s, AA’s, C’s, D’s and even a 9-volt in the blink of an eye.
  
• Dad playing Poker once a year and making High-Balls for anybody that wanted one.

Well it’s Christmas Time, and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for all their holiday entertainment. Well, they will be going to movies, concerts, sporting events, and even vacations! Just thinking about those pampered Prancers makes me more wired up than the outlet at 9323 Sussex after the Christmas lights were plugged in.

Nowadays these kids have to go to some gigantic blockbuster movie during the holidays. Oh, I’m sure it will be some big special effects bonanza. When I was a kid, if we wanted to see something, my Dad would pile us in the car and drive around to see Christmas lights. That was about as big of a treat as sitting in a closet and watching the floor. We were stuffed like pimentos in the car with my brothers while driving around looking at electricity. Whoop-de-do-da! There would be so much snow, dirt, and salt on the windows plus the foggy windows from 10 people breathing, we couldn’t see anything anyway. Since there was no heat in the car we’d be a frozen, squished, pile of kids holding our breath, but we didn’t care, we loved it!….because it was Christmas.

And these kids nowadays don’t even put up Christmas lights. They leave it to their parents or they hire somebody. When I was a kid, Mom would make me stand out in the freezing snow and hold the aluminum ladder while she hung the lights outside. I guess she thought if she had to be out there, she might as well make the kids suffer too. And you would think with eight kids we would have one decent pair of gloves in the house. Instead, I would be standing there with a mitten with a hole in the thumb on my left hand and a gym sock on my right hand. I’d be a frozen Popsicle with snot frozen on my face and my hands stuck to the aluminum ladder, but I didn’t care I loved it, because Mom would put in blinkers!!

And those lights my Mom used were in our family for over 20 years. They were covered in black electrical tape and we would pick up the electrocuted dead carcass of any animal that touched the lights. There would be birds, squirrels, and an occasional paperboy that made the mistake of touching the Christmas lights. And, God help you if a strand didn’t work. Because then my Mom would spend hours trying to find the burnt out light bulb and I would have to hold the burnt out light while she changed it. I still have frostbite today, but I don’t care I wouldn’t trade having feeling in my hands for any of the fun of Christmas decorating.

So you McCarty Brats learn a thing or two from the past and decorate your house the old fashioned way. And I’m sure Mom McCarty still has the lights and the aluminum ladder so put your dibs in. And here’s a free tip from Uncle Jer, stick your tongue on the aluminum ladder, it’s fun!!

221 stuffed celery sticks
82 stuffed dates (excluding the sugar)
4 hi-balls (with cherry)
8 x 10 photo of Cokette's Birthday Party
The 9323 address plate off the old house (1 week notice required so Rick can provide back-up)
Copy of old shaky home movies - copied poorly on VHS
Entire 1959 Collier's Encyclopedia Set
A hearty handshake along with 15 items from a dollar store
Something homemade along with 15 items from a dollar store
Just give the cash!