ell it’s March and that means it’s my Birthday! Whoopee!! Having a Birthday on March 1st means that I have the most forgotten birthday on Earth. On about February 26th my Parents would say, “It’s getting close to March and Jerry’s Birthday, what do you think we should get him? Then 4 days later it’s March 2nd and it’s over. “Ahhh, don’t worry, we’ll get him something next year.” These Pampering Parents nowadays plan out every birthday party months in advance with E-Vites and Dora the Explorer Birthday Invitations so those Greedy Grandbrats can clean up on presents. Even with my parents forgetting half of my birthdays, I had way better birthdays than these losers nowadays.

These Party Planner Parents head to Chuck E Cheese with party hats and goody bags so they can hear “Happy Birthday” sung by an animatronics rat. When I was a kid, the only time I ever wore a Party Hat was for the Birthday of the Poodle next door, Cokie. Sure, we had to sing to a dog, but we didn’t care, we were happy to be at a fancy party.

And these Birthday Buffoons whine, “Oooh, I want a theme cake from the Bakery.” They’ll get a designer red velvet cake with butter cream airbrushing, tons of plastic crap in the frosting and “Happy Birthday little Joey” written in calligraphy on the cake. Fiddle Fooey. When I was kid, we all got the same thing, a chocolate frosted cake from the discount shelf at the A&P. The only writing on that cake was the “Reduced for Quick Sale Price” sticker on the box. Sure there was a big dent in the cake from where the Grocery Store bagger put a can of baked beans on top of the cake, but we didn’t care we were happy with what we had. 

And, I don’t need any of you E-Idiots on Facebook sending me Birthday greetings by clicking on my Name. It makes me feel so happy to know that you put as much effort into my birthday as you do into ignoring your other friends’ Farmville requests. When I was a kid, my Aunt Marge would send birthday cards to every one of us and never missed a birthday. Those cards would say “To a Special Nephew” in fancy cursive writing and there would be a Clipper Ship on it and it would make you feel special. Sure there was no money in it and my Dad would make me call and say, “Thank you for the empty card”, but we didn’t care we were happy with what we had. 

So, this year I’m was going to have an Old Fashioned Birthday like we used to, but since Cokie, Aunt Marge, and the A&P are no longer with us, I’m going to have to come up with my own party. So I’m heading to Chuck E. Cheese and I’m find me some kid who’s having a birthday party and give him a crappy card with no money in it. Ha Ha Ha !!

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