"If some day you’re not feeling well, you should remember some little thing I have said or done and if it brings a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart then my purpose as a clown has been fulfilled."—Red Skelton
RED SKELTON'S
RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1.
Twice a week we go to a nice
restaurant, have a beverage, food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine
is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way
back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So
I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me,
"In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I
too late for
the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to
interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
.
Do
you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that
would magically fix the problem. Every kid in
America
did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There
was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it
out. Today's kids are soft.
In a tragic
incident on October 30th, the Jean Schmelzer McCarty home on
Goldridge was severely and savagely egged. Police questioned
Mrs. McCarty. She was unaware who could have perpetrated
such a heinous crime, but she did state that some of the
workers at St. Michaels parrish were jealous of her making
some bogus BINGO calls. Another person at the home that
night was Danny "Kato" McCarty. Kato said that
night he heard some yelling and several "bumps"
against the house. He thought it was just Andy, the next
door neighbor, trying to reconcile with his estranged wife
Chris.
Police
followed by searching the grounds where they found an egg
soaked glove by the curb. To cover all angles, police went
to the nearby home of JW McCarty on Tilch Rd. There they
were notified that JW had left for Milwaukee the night of
the 30th. In a search of those grounds, police found a
similar egg-soaked glove behind JW's new shed. They sent
both gloves to the lab to get some DNA testing on the
chicken. Lab results confirmed that both gloves were stained
with Meijer .49 eggs.
In Milwaukee, JW
was notified of the savage attack and immediately cut his
hand on a motel glass. He then hopped on the first plane
back home. At the airport, he was met by long-time friend
and co-worker Wee Jim Cowlings. The two got into Wee Jim's
white, late-model, Ford Bronco and started up 1-94. Because
he had a couple of doobies in his pocket, Cowlings decided
to drive very cautiously (about 35 MPH).. They soon realized
they and 12 Police cars were the only ones on the freeway.
An unmarked police car finally pulled them over. Lt. Rick of
the Detroit Police Dept notified them that they cleared the
road so that President Clinton's motorcade could get through
and for us to get the hell out.
When they got
home, JW was taken into custody.
Updated
Developments:
JW has
hired a fine Jewish lawyer...cousin Tony Jean Schmelzer
McCarty after cleaning the house made a HUGE western omelet
Danny "Kato" McCarty is enjoying his new celebrity
status and will make more home movies Kathlene Bird
(girlfriend of JW) went on The Maury Povich Show to air her
dirty laundry. ED NOTE The
clothes line outside would have been better
Other people
were questioned and made these comments...
Mike- IT
WASN'T ME... IT WASN'T ME
Dennis- Oh
my God, the house is wrecked
Larry- It
was probably those Smylnyckys
Kelly- What
a waste of perfectly good food
Steve-
WHERE'S WALLY?
MORE
OFF THE WIRE
Dateline
Grand Rapids: Move over Chuck and Di, Ryan McCarty was
dubbed royalty upon being named to Union High School's
homecoming court. He was one of 20 chaps (10 lads and 10
lasses) selected to reign. Ryan was not the king, but was in
line to inherit the throne if there was. an assassination at
the Oct. 14 football game. Alas, Mike McCarty had the king
in his crosshairs but missed, complaining that he had to sit
way back in the stands. Meanwhile, Ryan escorted his mother
Karen onto the field where they sat for the whole first half
and were even introduced at halftime.
Updated
Development: Mike
is still being held without bond in the Kent County Jail
after police carted him away from the game. The family
hasn't visited.
ED
NOTE: ALTHOUGH OFFICIAL CHARGES WERE NOT RELEASED TO THE
PUBLIC, THE METRO HAS LEARNED MIKE IS BEING HELD ON 3.
TRYING TO GET A MINOR IN HIS CROSSHAIRS, SHOWING HIS
CROSSHAIRS IN A PUBLIC PLACE, AND CROSSING HIS HUFFY NOT AT
THE CORNER.
Letter
To The Editor
Dear
Editor, It has come to my attention that the McCarty Metro
has failed to obey my court order barring media from any
mention of the you-know-what-case in my LA courtroom. Your
October issue contained 2 references to "OJ", 492
uses of the letter "O", and 36 uses of the letter
"J". Should this callous disregard of the court
continue, you, Mr Kelly McCarty, will be held in more
contempt than you already are.
Yours
in ipso facto,
Judge Lance Ito
PS:
Your columns "It's the Law" and "Ask
Lt. Rick", show wanton disregard of our
criminal justice system
ED
NOTE: FORGET THE WANTON DISREGARD, I'LL HAVE THE EGG
DROP INSTEAD
PEANUT
'n JOCKO
METRO
PHOTO BLAST
DJ,
KELLY & JERRY McCARTY - 1966
.
BILLBOARD TOP 100 HIT SONGS
GUESS THE YEAR THESE SONGS WERE HOT
"Jump"
by Van Halen
"Footloose" by Kenny Loggins
"Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker, Jr.
"Stuck On You" by Lionel Richie
"The Heart of Rock & Roll" by Huey Lewis & The News
Gil Thorp is a sports-oriented comic strip running since September 8, 1958. Thorp is the athletic director of Milford High School and coaches the football, basketball, and baseball teams. In addition to the sports storylines, the strip also deals with issues facing teenagers such as teen pregnancy, steroids, and drug abuse.
The strip was created by Jack Berrill, who modeled and named Thorp after baseball player Gil Hodges and the great Olympic athlete Jim Thorpe.
A 100 YEAR OLD BLAST!
Did you
know that 100 years ago, in 1909...
The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old. Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City Cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the
US, and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
An accountant could expect to earn $2k per year, A dentist $2.5k, A veterinarian
$1.5k, and a mechanical engineer $5k.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more Heavily populated than California .
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st Most populous state in the Union .
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over The counter at the local corner drugstores.
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month , and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the US were: Pneumonia and influenza,
Tuberculosis Diarrhea Heart disease and Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted
yet.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
The average wage in the U.S. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A . !
The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.
