JAMES BOND 007

James Bond, code name 007, is a fictional character created in 1953 by writer Ian Fleming, who featured him in twelve novels and two short-story collections. Six other authors have written authorised Bond novels or novelizations since Fleming's death in 1964: Kingsley Amis, Christopher Wood, John Gardner, Raymond Benson, Sebastian Faulks, and Jeffery Deaver; a new novel, written by William Boyd, is planned for release in 2013.

The fictional British Secret Service agent has also been adapted for television, radio, comic strip, and video game formats in addition to having been used in the longest continually running and the second-highest grossing film series to date, which started in 1962 with Dr. No, starring Sean Connery as Bond. As of 2013, there have been twenty-three films in the Eon Productions series. The most recent Bond film, Skyfall (2012), stars Daniel Craig in his third portrayal of Bond; he is the sixth actor to play Bond in the Eon series. There have also been two independent productions of Bond films: Casino Royale (a 1967 spoof) and Never Say Never Again (a 1983 remake of an earlier Eon-produced film, Thunderball).

The Bond films are renowned for a number of features, including the musical accompaniment, with the theme songs having received Academy Award nominations on several occasions, and one win. Other important elements which run through most of the films include Bond's cars, his guns, and the gadgets with which is supplied by Q Branch.

Now that the summer is over, the Metro decided to share with its readers what everyone was up to this past summer.

Mike, Karen and family: Mike got Woodstock fever. Karen wouldn't let him go to upstate New York so while Karen and the kids were in Arcadia, Mike let the sprinklers run all night and allowed the neighborhood kids the next day to slide around in the mud while he played "Little Red Riding Hood" on his acoustic guitar. Says Mike, "It was an entire weekend of peace, love, and kool-aid". 

Dennis: The 3 B's. (beaches, babes and Bendix)

Rick and family: Got awfully muddy.

D.J.: Doing the "Golf" thing and playing his favorite game "Operation" (or was it playing his favorite game "Golf" and doing the "Operation" thing...it varies from summer to summer).

Larry and family: The familys' 5 year training program has finally paid off. They placed 3rd in the Lebanon Triathalon. They started poorly in the compulsarys (horseshoe game and hog call). Carla made up ground in the Possum Pie tasting contest, but what really put them near the top was the big production number at the end of the show. The whole family tap danced and sang to the theme of Petticoat Junction while Larry shot off fireworks in the middle of the day.

Kelly, Margaret: Vacationed in the French Riveria while the kids enjoyed the slopes in the Swiss Alps. Rosie (their dog) has been seen hob-knobbing around tinseltown with Benji.

Jerry: Was a victim of this summers biggest tradgedy. No, not the Clinton Crime Bill, were talking about the infamous Jim Muer Oldsmobile Hostage Crisis.

Steve and Kristen: Heard about a great car repair shop in Ohio so they decided to check it out.

Mom: 5 words. Bee Eye And Gee Oh !!!!!!

BASEBALL STRIKE? WHO CARES?
by Milk McCarty

When these prissy and pompous polecats persist in pugnacious pugilism with their onerous occurrent owners as they pirate the proverbial pasttime in front of a pulchritude public, it makes me want to puke. Sufferin' succotash, my speaker is stuck in alliteration mode! Bbbbbbttttthhhh! There, that's better!

Back to the subject of the baseball strike. When I was a kid, I'd give my right arm (and sometimes I did) just to lean against a fence with nothing more than my Ray Oyler glove and a pair of short pants just to have Modo throw 80 MPH hardballs at me. I didn't ask for money or even a cup. It was my pleasure to act as a backstop to a 20-something has-been just to get close to the game that Abner Doubledare invented some ten million years ago. In fact, when Yogi Bear said that it was a game of inches, I like to think he was talking about me protecting my manhood in front of that fence at the park. I know I was way more interested in getting a new Louisville Slugger and going to the park than in going to school which is why I ended up at MSU.

But these prima-donnas nowadays have to have everything handed to them on a silver platter or else they won't play. They get million dollar contracts, babes, endorsements, cars, babes, TV appearances, babes, movie roles, babes, free chewing gum, babes, babes, and more babes. These guys get everything and we don't get anything except the chance to pay more for a seat after these jerks come back! Well I'm not gonna wait for this to happen. I'm starting a league in direct competition to these guys and I figure that if I get enough of a following, we might be the ones to get the big money and the babes. So, I'll be placing calls to all the former members of the Coyle Park teams asking whether they want to return to their former glory at the plate. Tom Brown was interested until I told him it wasn't the dinner plate. Now I don't want anybody to give up a good paying gig (like Boog Nivala at ACO Hardware), but if you want to take a chance at the big time, give me a call. By the way, if anybody has the Jascots phone number, please pass it on to me.

COLLEGE BEAT

Hey McCarty Dudes! I'm still enjoying my most excellent summer vacation. As an extra special treat I went to one of those Indian Casinos in Michigan. It was totally cool until I got thrown out but before I did I had a great time. I'm not sure exactly why I was thrown out, but here's a few things they might have been upset about.

* I told the pit boss he looked like Crazy Cat from F-Troop.
* I started laughing every time someone called "Craps"
* I got in an argument with the roulette guy over what I considered to be an "odd" number.
* I accidently spilled my Big Gulp on the poker table.

DEAR CRABBY

This is a new column for losers seeking advice or nincompoops with stupid questions. We will not print any names so your anonymity will be protected.

Dear Crabby: Being a former hockey goalie and now a father of 4 kids who think I should have make pro, I would like your comment on who had the ugliest mask, Gerry Cheevers or Jacques Plante?

DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS RAISED SKATING AND CLEANING COW DOO ON A FARM IN HORSE MANURE, ALBERTA. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HECK THOSE GUYS ARE, BUT THE UGLIEST HOCKEY MASK I EVER SAW WAS THIS RIDICULOUS THING MY OLDEST BROTHER WORE WHEN HE PLAYED. IT WAS SO UGLY, EVEN JASON FROM THE FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES WOULDN'T WEAR IT BECAUSE YOU COULD DEFEAT HIM EASILY BY KNOCKING A PUCK OFF ALL THE PARTS OF HIS FACE IT DIDN'T COVER UP

Dear Crabby: I am a divorced father of two. When on a date, is it necessary for me to say "Excuse Me" if I burp at a dinner table in a crowded restaurant?

NO. YOU SHOULD READ MY EDIQUETTE GUIDE FOR DATING. IT STATES IN A RESTAURANT, A BURP SHOULD BE FOLLOWED BY "OHHH, THAT WAS GOOD". A LOUD BURP "OHHH, MORE ROOM". A FART "WHOOOO WEEEE". AN SBD "INCOMING". THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE TO SAY EXCUSE ME IS IF YOU GET CAUGHT TRYING TO LEAVE WITHOUT PAYING.

Dear Crabby: I am 6'3" and will be a freshman in high school. My dad is a slave driver. He has put me through some of the most torturous basketball practices this summer. He is probably just trying to satisfy his own inadequacies. How can I tell him to ease off?

YOU DON'T. BUT WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW YOU SON OF A....