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THE BEST OF
From Our May
2007 Edition |
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 ll, it’s May and that means that when I back my car out of the driveway, I have to start watching out for a bunch of kids skateboarding in the street. Those baggy pants wearing weasels will be scrambling to get out of the way of my 4-door sedan. Just thinking about those recreational rejects, makes me go to pieces more than their wooden skateboarding ramp after I run over it.
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These kids today think they’re being daredevils by trying to balance on some $240 dollar skateboard made out of carbon fiber. The most dangerous thing about skateboarding for these spoiled spazzes is the chance they might rip their $60 Khaki pants from Urban Outfitters. When I was a kid, I would sit in a $7 wagon wearing short pants and get pulled around by my brother’s stingray bikes. If we went over a curb, I could fall out and risk severe injury. Sure, I’d have huge scabs on my knees all summer long, but I didn’t care I was happy to be playing outside. |
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And these kids nowadays will also be wearing their Linkin Park or AFI T-Shirts. Oh yeah, these 12-year-old kids are real rebels. They have their parents buy them concert tickets and then borrow their credit cards to purchase a concert T-shirt. When we were kids, we were real rebels. If we wore a T-shirt it was a K-Mart white V-neck shirt with nothing on it. Except one time, Mike McCarty’s friend Mike Devine wanted to make T-Shirts for their baseball team, the “Angels”, so he wrote on them with a black Magic Marker. Unfortunately, Mike Devine didn’t spell so good, so they had to wear T-Shirts that said “Angles” on them. Sure, they looked like a group of kids from the geometry team, but they didn’t care. They were happy with what they had.
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And those lethargic losers have the nerve to knock on my door to ask for a drink of water when they get tired. When I was a kid, and we wanted water, we drank from the hose. Sure, you had to let it run a little while so it wouldn’t be hot, and we’d drink out the hose from a rusty nozzle. Sure, we’d get lockjaw and have the runs for a week, but we didn’t care we were happy with what we had. But I don’t care, let your little brats play in their fake grungy clothes on their skateboards and drink their Fiji water. It doesn’t bother me; I’ll be sitting in my lawn chair in a white undershirt and drinking out of the hose. |
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