ll, its Valentine’s Day, and that means those McCarty grandbrats will be buying all kinds of stuff for their Valentine. “Ohhh, I just made a phone call and charged a bunch of flowers on my credit card to be delivered to you to show my love.” Just thinking about those stupid cupids makes my face redder than the $3.50 heart shaped candy box that they sell at Walmart.

Oh, those sappy McCarty brats buy only the most expensive stuff for their Valentine. They’ll be getting those crappy Godiva chocolates and those truffles with the soft chocolate inside. You can put a Baby Ruth on your dashboard with the defroster on and get the same effect. When I was a kid the only candy we had were those crappy, chalky, hard candy hearts with writing on them. The letters would be wiped off so all you could see would be “B- -INE”. It was like trying to play “Wheel of Fortune” with crappy candy. And not only did they taste bad, but you’d break a tooth trying to eat em. We had crappy hard candy that you couldn’t even eat, but we didn’t care…. We Loved It!! Because we were happy with what we had!

And those mushy McCarty grandbrats will spend hours in front of the Hallmark store trying to pick out just the right Valentine’s Day card. When I was a kid, we’d get a box of 500 Valentine’s Day cards at Kmart for 49 cents. Then we’d give out the cards to everyone in our class. The cards had stupid pictures on them like a picture of a rocket ship with a card saying, “You’re Out of This World”. Then I’d come home from school and my older brothers would make fun of me because I’d have a bunch of the same crappy cards from a bunch of guys in my class. My Dad was the only smart one, he’d just take one of those cards and sign it “All my love and kisses, Bob ‘71” and give it to my Mom with some bubble bath. My Mom thought my Dad was the most romantic guy in the world. She’d say, “Your father thinks I’m out of this world!”. Sure, it was a crappy card, but my Mom didn’t care, she loved it!!! 

So this year, treat your Valentine right and give them an old-fashioned Valentine’s Day present. And I guarantee your Valentine will have the time of her life sitting in bubble bath, with a chipped tooth, reading a crappy card and eating a melted Baby Ruth.