ll it’s October and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for Halloween. Just thinking of those 2-faced Trick or Treaters makes me hotter than the pie tin that Mom put our Jack O’ Lantern on.

These kids nowadays buy these crappy costumes at Walmart that don’t even have masks. Like I want to see 30 kids in the same Sponge Bob costume standing on my porch. When we were kids, we dressed up the old fashioned way with a plastic mask that you could barely see out of. That mask would be held on by flimsy rubber band that would break every three houses. You would have to tie the rubber band together and then it would break again. By the end of the night the rubber band would have so many knots in that the mask would be so tight, my eyes would be bulging out of the mask. We had crappy masks that would be digging into our sweaty flesh, but we didn’t care we were happy with what we had. 

And those begging boogiemen show up at my door with personalized Halloween plastic pumpkin with flashing LEDs. Those things can’t even hold a Slo-Poke. When I was a kid, we pulled our pillowcase off our bed and dragged it around the neighborhood. We could fit so much candy in that pillow case that we would run through the alleys visiting hundreds of houses. Sure when we got back, we had broken glass, dirt, and dog poop all over our pillow case, but we didn’t care, cause we had a pillow case full of candy!!

And these finicky phantoms are now so careful about what treats they take. They don’t take any opened candy, loose candy, or apples. When I was a kid we didn’t turn down anything. We didn’t eat it all, but we used it. Those caramel apples were like a lint brush for crappy candy. They would have candy corn, Mary Janes, Squirrels and those peanut butter caramel things stuck all over it. Then we’d just throw the whole thing away and nobody was the wiser. We got rid of all the crappy candy in one easy step, and we loved it!! 

So this year don’t baby your kids and get them all of that fancy schmancy stuff. Just take the pillow case off their bed and give ‘em a plastic mask and drop them off in the alley. And two hours later they’ll be waiting for you with a sack full of crappy candy and smelling like dog poop! 

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