ll, it’s May and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for Mother’s Day. Just thinking about those Offending Offspring makes be hotter than the time I accidentally brushed my teeth with Ben Gay. These new age Mothers nowadays are no comparison to my Mom. My mother was way better than these Modern Mommies.

These New Age Nanny Goat Mommies will be pampering those McCarty Grandbrats with all kinds of herbal remedies. “Ewww, this is a cream made of Beet Root with an essence of Ginger.” Fiddle Foey! My Mom gave you a choice of two things to cure anything. You got Mercurochrome or you got nothing! That Mercurochrome burnt like the dickens and probably caused us neurological damage and memory loss, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!

And you can bet those Precocious Parents will be driving their kids around to soccer, tee ball, karate, and 20 other activities that I can’t even pronounce. When I was a kid, my mom didn’t even have a driver’s license. But that didn’t stop her. She took me to Federal’s Department Store on the DSR Bus. Sure I had to sit in a seat covered in hobos’ urine, but I didn’t care, I loved it. Because I got to pull down on the wire to make the bus stop at Federal’s. 

And these Epicurean Idiots will have their special lunches where Modern Moms give them whatever they want. They will have a lunch packed with healthy ingredients including whole wheat bread, carrot sticks, and vegetables. When I was a kid, my Mom made Cheese and Crackers and would heat them up in the oven until the fake Velveeta Cheese melted. Or she would make Liverwurst or Pickle Loaf Sandwiches on Wonder Bread. Sure, I’m not sure those lunches contained any real ingredients, but we didn’t care we loved it!!

So you Rotten Remedial Rejects think that you can buy your Mom a 59 cent Mother’s Day Card and everything will be good for another year. I’m going to celebrate my Mother’s Day by having an old fashioned Mother’s Day like we used to. I’m going to pack my lunch with a Liverwurst Sandwich and a Little Debbie Snack Cake and then I’m going to ride on the bus and sit next to a hobo. And if I slip and fall on the hobo urine, I’ll have plenty of Mercurochrome to fix myself up.

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