Well, it’s May and that means my brother Larry is going to be celebrating his Birthday. And you can bet those Nashville Nieces of mine will be doting all over him and telling him what a wonderful Father he is. Just thinking about those Meddling Mademoiselles makes me more upset than Larry when he heard Dairy Queen discontinued the Peanut Buster Parfait. When Larry was a kid he wasn’t special, he got treated the same as the rest of us, and now he’s better off for it.

These Pampering Parents nowadays love to tell their kids how “Special” they are by putting them in some stupid sport where every kid gets ”Participation Trophy”. Fiddle Foey! When we were kids, if a kid was special or different, we made fun of him until he acted like everyone else. My brother Larry is left handed, but when we played baseball we had to share mitts and no one had a left-handed mitt, so we made him learn to throw right-handed. And when he batted we usually didn’t have all fields covered, so we shamed him until he batted right-handed too. Sure, he grew up thinking all left handed people were weird, but we didn’t care, we loved it!! Because we didn’t have to shift the outfield!

And these Nutritional Nincompoops parents love to make sure their kids are eating the healthiest food on the planet. Oh they will be eating Whole Wheat Bread, 1% Milk, Veggie Meatballs, Lettuce Wraps, and Kale. Yuck! When my brother Larry was a kid, he’d take his hard-earned Newspaper Route money and go to the Corner Store and get a Large Coke and pour in 1 Packet of Lick-A-Maid. Then he’d put his mouth over the bottle while that chemical reaction of Sugar combined with Sugar would practically explode. Sure he’d have Coca Colas coming out of his nose and had a sugar high for 2 days, but he didn’t care, he loved it!!

And these Free-spending Fathers nowadays love to get their kids fancy new cars with AAA Road Service to protect them. When my brother Larry got his driver’s license he got a 1968 Ford Fury with manual roll up windows and an oil leak. And because we weren’t “made of money”, instead of Triple A Road Service he got a screwdriver to stick down the Carburetor when the car wouldn’t start. Sure that car used more oil than the Rock’s arms in Fast & Furious 7, but he didn’t care he loved it!

So you celebrate my brother Larry’s birthday however you want and you can even make him feel special with a fancy party. And while your doing that, I’m going have an old-fashioned McCarty birthday celebration like we used to. Me, Kelly, and Larry are going to find a crappy car and drive around drinking Coca Cola and making fun of left-handed people. And they’ll be no Party for him to make him feel “Special”, instead we’ll go to a Poodle’s Birthday Party.