La Nina Diary
Metro December 1998 Edition
please use your own adjective every time you see
December 9 -
We awoke to a big, beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Every tree and shrub covered by a beautiful mantle. I
shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it.
I did both the driveways and the sidewalk. Later, a snow
plow came through and covered our sidewalk with
compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm
sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is
- It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to 20 below zero. I shoveled the driveway and
sidewalks again, and then the snow plow came by and did
it's trick again.
- Today I sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer so I can
drive in the snow. I also bought snow tires for my
- Fell on my ass on the ice on the driveway. All that
was hurt were my feelings.
- Had another 14 inches of that white #&!!#% last
night. More shoveling in store for me today. The
#&!!#% snow plow came by twice.
- We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of that #&!!#% fell today and with this
freezing #&!!#% weather, it won't melt until August.
I got all dressed up to go outside and shovel (boots,
snow suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and
then got the urge to pee.
- I was going to go ice fishing today, but the
#&!!#% worms froze and I didn't want the fish to
break their #&!!#% teeth on my #&!!#% bait.
- If I ever catch the son of a #&!!#% that drives
that #&!!#% plow, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls!!! I think he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down
the street at 100 miles per hour throwing that
#&!!#% all over what used to be my lawn!
- MERRY CHRISTMAS! They predict 20 more #&!!#%
inches of this white #&!!#%. I wonder if they know
just how many shovels full of snow 20 inches is??? Them
#&!!#%s!!! #&!!#%Santa, he doesn't have to bust
his balls shoveling that #&!!#%. The snow plow
driver came by and asked for a donation. I wrapped him
upside his #&!!#% head with my #&!!#% shovel!!!
- Guess who the heck got 28 more inches last night? I
must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever because
my wife is starting to look real good to me!
- #&!!#% toilet froze!!! If you go outside, don't
eat the brown snow!
- Today I set fire to my house. Now I'd like to see that
white #&!!#% cling to my #&!!#% roof!!!
People From the Old Neighborhood Who Could Have Been Santa
Ballard Mallard or Baggard Maggard - Did he really fall off the porch into the bush or did he actually fall off the rooftop and into the bush?
Joe Morrison - Drove his sleigh into Papler's house
Kay Schultz - Asking how much that doggie in the window was
2002 Christmas Memories
The 2-gallon bottle of perfume that Dad got Mom every year. From this, they invented the term “Toilet Water.”
Grandma’s Christmas-Eve parties and setting Tiny traps for her little dog. The usual plan involved luring the unsuspecting dog with a piece of Macaroni and Cheese.
Setting Hot Wheels tracks to go down the stairs where the cars picked up enough velocity to go into a loop-de-loop and go airborne into the Christmas Tree.
The Christmas tree starting on fire and Dad throwing it out the front door, just missing a lit up Neal McDonald. It the flames would have come in contact with Mr. McDonald’s breath, the whole block might have blown up.
Mom’s precise instructions on how to put “tinsel” or “icicles” on a Christmas Tree. She would always give up on us and put all of the tinsel on by herself.
The aluminum tree on Sussex.
Electronic Football by Coleco with the vibrating field, plastic men, and the magnet football. Every play ended up with a mass of vibrating players stuck together and one guy knocked over on his side running in circles like Curly Howard.
Picking the baby Jesus out of the manger with a Verti-Bird Helicopter.
Mom passing out batteries on Christmas Morning like a stadium peanut vendor. She could toss you A’s, AA’s, C’s, D’s and even a 9-volt in the blink of an eye.
poker and making High-Balls for anybody that wanted one.
2003 New Year's Resolutions
-Stop emptying the sand in my shoes over my computer keyboard. – Dennis
-Become chapter president of the Detroit Lions Fan Club. – Rick
-Get a booth next to Gary Busey at the Hollywood Collector’s Show. – Jerry
-Run for mayor of Lebanon, Tenn., and write 50 letters to the editor. Or was it write to the mayor of Lebanon in 50 words or less? – Larry
-Enforce a new rule: All Westerners must keep both shoes on in the office. – Vinnell Arabia Computer Dept.
-Triple the pay of reporters on The McCarty Metro. – Kelly
-Start up a deflated stockowners support group: Phlat Cat. – Steve
-See if Kelly has any “Cockroach Party” records left and sell ’em at the
Hollywood Collector’s Show, next to Gary Busey. – Jerry
-Ask Uncle Steve how he learned to change a baby’s diaper without gagging. – Andy
-Introduce the Knights of Columbus to Robert’s Rules of Order. – Kelly
-Become a D.A. so I can get to say, “Man one, 8 to 15.” – Rick
-Tell Andy that a bandana tied loosely and placed over the lower half of the face is a necessity when cleaning vomit or changing diapers. – Mum
-Record a self-help album, “Play Drums with Lake Speed.” – Larry
-Finish writing a novel. So far, I have: “Militia Justice” by Mike McCarty, $19.95.
-Several kids raced around a bend in the road, cut across a parched lawn and plopped themselves down on the first shady, unoccupied tufts of grass they could find at the edge of Shoreline Drive.” – Mike
-Open up a used mail-order golf club business. – Rick and Kevin