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THE BEST OF
From Our November
2001
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 ll,
it's Thanksgiving and that means those little McCarty brats will be stuffing food in their faces like it's going out of style. Then they'll all unbuckle their belts, fall asleep on Mom McCarty's sofa, and drool all over the pillows. Just thinking about those little good for nothing gobblers makes me hotter than that little thermometer that pops out of the turkey's butt when it's
cooked!
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Oh, I bet those rotten sisters-in-law of mine won't even cook Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, they'll just go to Kroger's and get a pre-made turkey. When we were kids, our parents wouldn't have dreamed of not cooking the turkey. It was a team effort with my Dad stuffing bread in the turkey's butt and my mom sewing up its skin with a needle and thread. Then my mom would spend hours basting that bird in ginger ale until the whole kitchen smelled like a Boston Cooler. Sure, the turkey would always be burnt on the outside and frozen on the inside, but we didn't care we loved it!! Cause we were happy with what we had. |
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And that Kristen, Karen, and Margaret will be making pies. Oh, they'll have pumpkin pie, peach pie, mincemeat pie, apple pie, and cherry pie. And God forbid somebody doesn't take a piece of one of them. When we was kids, my mom would get one store bought Farmer Jack pumpkin pie and six cans of aerosol whipped cream. We'd each get a sliver of pie and then we'd be squirting whipped cream on the pie, in our mouths, even in celery sticks. Sure, you'd get everybody's mouth germs on the whipped cream, but we didn't care we loved it, cause we didn't know any better.
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And after this year's dinner, I bet those McCarty grand brats just throw all the leftover turkey and stuffing away not even considering the starving kids in China. When I was a kid, my dad would take a knife to that turkey and cut off every piece of meat, muscle, and gristle that was on that bird. All that would be left would be a skeleton of a bird that was so clean you could put it in a museum. Then he'd put some tin foil over it and throw it in the back of the refrigerator and we would have to eat leftover turkey with freezer burn for the next month. We'd be making turkey sandwiches out of gristle, but we didn't care we loved it, cause it was better than a Swanson's tuna pot pie. |
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So, this year, you McCartys have your crummy Thanksgiving with your store-bought turkey and your fancy schmancy pies. But do me a favor instead of throwing your leftovers away send them to me, that way I can throw them in the back of my refrigerator behind my case of aerosol whipped cream and then next year I'll have an old-fashioned Thanksgiving, like we used to!!
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