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ll it’s summertime and that means the TV is going to be packed with lots of public service announcements about how to protect your little brats in the hot summer. Just thinking about those summer sissies makes me hotter than the vinyl seats on my Dad’s Vega in the summertime. When I was a kid, we waited for summer all year long and we didn’t need no special rules to protect us.

You can’t turn on the television without some warning telling you not to leave your pet in the car with no air conditioning. We never had air conditioning in the car when I grew up and I would have to sit in the hatchback while we took a 4-hour trip in 100-degree heat to Cadillac. One time, I went shopping with my Dad, and had to sit in the hatchback with no open window while he went to Farmer Jacks, Chatham, and A&P trying to save 20 cents on a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee beer. I got so dehydrated; I had to drink windshield washer solvent to survive. Sure, I peed blue for a week, but I didn’t care, I loved it!! Because I was happy to go shopping with my Dad.

And these safety-conscious stupidos are always telling you to wear sun block. When I was a kid, we didn’t even know what sun block was. We stayed outside until our skin started peeling and then we came inside. The only lotion we’d put on was the Mercurochrome that we would put on our skin after it peeled so much, we would start to bleed. We were a peeling, bloody, sunburned mess but we didn’t care, we loved it, because we didn’t have to wear no sissy lotion.