ll, it’s September and you can bet those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting all kinds of new gadgets for the coming school year. I can just picture those technology turds now wasting all their parents’ money on stuff they don’t even need. We didn’t need all of these fancy schmancy gadgets when I was a kid, and we were better off for it.

Oh I can see these Video Varmints with their Nintendo 3DS XLs playing all kinds of crappy video games. “Oh, this game is portable so I can take it with me in the car.” When I was a kid the only portable game we had was from a Cracker Jack box and it had a picture of a clown little holes on his face and you had to balance metal BBs in the holes. Sure, when we were the car, my dad’s station wagon vibrated so much those bb’s would be flying all over the place, but we didn’t care we loved it.

And I can just picture those Exercising Idiots walking around with their “Fit Bit” wrapped around their wrist. “Ooooh… I can hook up this up to my Smart Phone and it well tell me if I need to walk more.” Fiddle Fooey! When I was growing up we didn’t need a Fit Bit, we had a thing called a “Belt” which you could get for $1.29 at K-Mart. If you walked and your belt was tight you needed to keep walking until it wasn’t. Sure we all wore stretched out belts are our Slim 16 pants, but we didn’t care we loved it!

And these Gadget Geeks all have to have battery testers so they can make sure their crappy devices are charged. When we were kids we had a battery tester and it was called your Tongue. We’d stick those 9-Volt Batteries on our tongue and if they gave you a shock they were good. If nothing happened, they were bad. Sure we would go to Holy Communion with burnt marks on our tongue, but we didn’t care we loved it.

So you keep spoiling your grandbrats with all these fancy electronic gadgets. And while you’re doing that I’m going to have an old-fashioned good time like we used to. First we’re gonna eat some Crackerjack, Stick our Tongues on some 9-Volt Batteries, and play some hide-the-belt. And then…….