Well its Christmastime and that means those McCarty Grandbrats will be having all kinds of fancy schmancy meals.   They will be making all kinds of food with exotic and expensive ingredients. Just thinking of those Epicurian Idiots makes me more incensed than Father Bertrum at a High Mass. We didn’t need all of that fancy stuff when we were kids, and we were better off for it!! 

These Kooky Cocktail Connoisseurs will be having Lemon Drop Martinis, Cranberry Martinis, Candy Cane Cosmopolitans, and Poinsettia Punch.  When I was a kid if you came to my dad for a Cocktail you got a choice of 2 things.  You got a “High Ball” or you got nothing!! Those High Balls were made from cheap Kessler Whiskey and Soda Pop. 7-Up was too rich for our blood, so my Dad used Town Club’s “Sparkle-Up” and topped it off with a Farmer Jack Maraschino Cherry. Sure, our Aunts would have to drink about 12 of them watered down drinks to catch a buzz, but they didn’t care, they loved it!!

And these Christmas Dinner Dorks nowadays love to make all kinds of fancy dinners.  Ewwwwwwww, we are having short-ribs with a blah blah sauce….  Well Fa La La La La La! When I was a kid, all we had for Christmas was a Honey Baked Ham that my dad would get from the police department.   And we didn’t need no sissy sauce on our ham, my Dad would dowse that ham in Towne Club Ginger Ale until it was floating in that stuff. Sure that Ham ended up tasting like a Vernor’s float but we didn’t care, we loved it!

And you can bet those Holiday Humdrums will be going to cookie exchanges and baking lots of crappy cookies while drinking bottles of cheap wine. Sure, they get to laugh it up and have a good time, and I get stuck with a bunch of undercooked Snickerdoodles with powered sugar all over them. When we were kids, we didn’t need those fancy cookies.  My Dad would bring us that crappy blue tin with stale butter cookies in it. Sure, when we dipped them in milk it would suck all of the milk out of your glass and they would still be hard as a rock, but we didn’t care, we loved it. Because it was Christmas!

So you Dining Derelicts have your fancy Christmas. As for me I’m getting a couple cases of Towne Club Pop and a Fifth of Kesslers and we are going to have an Old Fashioned Christmas like we used to!! I’ll be making Red Pop Manhattans,  Lemon-Lime Whiskey Sours, Orange-Pineapple Juleps, Black Cherry Toddies, and Panther Piss Fizzes. Cheers!!!