ll it’s Halloween and that means those little McCarty Grand Brats will be dressing up in their store bought costumes and begging for candy. Just thinking about those god forsaken goblins makes me want to explode more than a Jack-O-Lantern with an M-80 in it! 

These Dressed Up Dorks nowadays have to have the U.L. Approved, flame retardant costumes with the bright orange reflective tape on them. When I was a kid, we had plastic masks with little tiny slits as the eye holes, so that you could barely see the drunk drivers as you were crossing the street. Plus the elastic would break and you would have to tie it together to keep the mask on. By the end of the night, the mask would have more knots than an overachieving Cub Scout. Sure, our faces would be sweating more than Brad Savage’s armpits, but we didn’t care we loved it.

And you can bet those Treat Giving Good For Nothings will be giving away healthy snacks like soft chewy granola bars and trail mix. Fiddle Foey!! When I was a kid all we got hard sticky chewy candies that would stick in your teeth. We had Charleston Chews, Squirrels, Mary Janes, JuJubes, Slo Pokes, and Sugar Babies. If you tried eating trail mix with those candies, you’d be crapping Pay Days! Sure we’d lose about 3 fillings every Halloween, but we didn’t care we loved it! Cause we were happy with what we had.

And you can bet those Decorating Doofuses will be buying some fancy store bought Halloween decorations with some faint electronic noises when you walk past it. Those decorations are about as scary as tripping over a See-and-Say. When I was a kid we put out real scary decorations like a 10-year old yellowed cardboard skeleton on the door with scotch tape all over the joints. Then sometimes my brother DJ, would put on a goalie mask and a pair of overalls and chase kids with a gas powered weed wacker. Sure a lot of the kids ended up in therapy, but we didn’t care we loved it!!

So this year, at my house when one of those wimpy kids in his store bought costumes shows up my porch, he’s going to have a surprise waiting. I’m going to have former LA Kings goalie Rogie Vachon and my Mexican gardener chase them around the yard while I pelt them with Squirrels, Mary Janes, and maybe even a Bit O’ Honey. And then we’ll have an old-fashioned Halloween like we used to!!!

Happy Halloween Kiddies!!!

.