ST. PATRICK'S DAY

It's three in the morning. You've been in the bar since lunchtime. You just spent five minutes trying to unlock your front door before you realized you were using your car keys. You finally stumble in, reeking of Auld Tay Bridge Scotch and Guinness. You know you should drink some water, then go straight to bed. But you're hungry... 

TIME TO HIT THE KITCHEN! 

HYGIENE
Tip: Silicone rolling pins are more hygienic, easier to clean and longer lasting than wooden ones. They also hurt a lot less. Remember: with cooking, the most important thing is hygiene. So before you begin, stumble into the bathroom. Then pick up a bar of soap and stare at it for about thirty seconds while rocking backwards and forwards. Try to remember why you are in your bathroom holding a bar of soap. Leave bathroom. 

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ENTER THE KITCHEN
You now need to find the kitchen. Think hard, you must have left it around here somewhere. Stumble in its general direction, placing your hand against the wall. This will help support you and maybe if you're lucky you'll find a light switch as well. Light could help at this point. If things are rotating, try rotating in the opposite direction to make them stay still. After entering the kitchen, turn on the light and stare blankly. After a minute or two, realize that this is not the kitchen, unless you recently put a bed in the middle of your kitchen. A bed which seems to be occupied. By a woman. Keep stumbling from room to room until you find the kitchen.

CARE IN THE KITCHEN
If you are single, you can skip this. If you are married, you need to remember that loud noises in the kitchen could wake your spouse, and you're in no condition to try to win an argument with anyone sober. So it's important to move with exaggerated caution whilst inadvertently making loud noises anyway, in order to preserve the precarious delusion that you're being considerate. Now you're ready to begin.

RECIPES!

MACARONI AND... SOMETHING ELSE?
Open the box of Mac 'n' Cheese. Realize that the box you opened is actually a box of laundry detergent. Open every cupboard in an attempt to find the Macaroni and cheese. CRAP! You're out of Mac 'n' Cheese. You found some pasta. That might work. Put the whole bag into a microwavable bowl that looks like it might fit all that pasta. CRAP! It didn't fit all the pasta. Put water into the bowl and put it in the microwave for, oh, say about 40 minutes. The microwave is a better bet than the stove. At least if you pass out in front of the microwave you won't burn the house down. Open the microwave after 30 seconds just to check if it's done yet. Repeat every 20-40 seconds as necessary. 40 minutes? That's way too much time, you realize when the timer gets to 35 minutes remaining. Better just take it out now. Add some parmesan cheese to the microwave bowl. You forgot to take the water out. Oh, well. It happens. Now you just have to eat it. It's crunchy and salty and makes your stomach feel bad, but at least you won't be hungry anymore. For enhanced flavor, use ketchup as a marinara sauce substitute.

CHEESE ON TOAST
Get some bread. Uh-oh, someone bought unsliced bread. Try to find bread knife. Fail. Find electric carving knife. Wrap knife in dish towel to muffle it. Cut two rough slices of bread, approx 1/4" thick at one end, 1" at the other. Put bread in toaster. Try harder. CRAP! Well maybe if you put the thin end in first. Yeah, that did it. While the bread is toasting, get some cheese from the fridge. CRAP! None there. Never mind, there's that soy cheese that your wife's irritating vegan cousin brought along to the picnic that time, but no one ate it. Find cheese knife. Well, just use the foil-cutter on your bottle-opener. Slice soy cheese. Is soy cheese the same as tofu? I mean what can the difference be? Does it even melt? Never mind - you smell burning, so the toast must be done. Place unevenly burnt toast on cookie sheet under the broiler, then place soy cheese on top. Melt soy cheese, assuming soy cheese actually melts. Drop cookie sheet on floor, waking your spouse. Suffer consequences. Don't worry if you are eating it and your mouth is burning. That's normal.

SHRIMP TETRAZZINI
HOLY CRAP! What are you doing? Tetrazzini? Of any sort? No. Stop. You will die. You will burn the house down and everyone that previously had respect for you will no longer associate with you because you not only burnt your house down trying to cook a meal, but it was one that sounded as funny as Tetrazzini. Assuming you're still alive after having a fireball explode in your face, that is. Eat your wife's yogurt instead. Trust me: it's way tastier than you realize.

HUGE SAMMICH
Open fridge, and lean on door while contemplating contents. Continue for up to ten minutes. Decide that you'd like a huge sandwich like Scooby-Doo or Dagwood Bumstead always has. Look for baguette, fail to find one. Use frozen garlic loaf instead. Cut length ways. Look in horror as bits of frozen garlic bread go everywhere. Painstakingly reassemble bits using toothpicks. Now we're in business! Assemble filling - some lettuce leaves, some pastrami, some hot sauce, some pickles, some tomato slices... uh oh. Is that red stuff on the chopping board tomato juice, or did you cut yourself? You don't feel any pain, but you're pretty well anesthetized... never mind, if you get some blood on your sandwich it's just extra protein, isn't it? Or vitamin D or whatever blood is made of. Where were you? Oh, yeah, cold chicken, mayo, bok choy, hummus... wow, everything looks kind of funny... mango salsa, salami... like kind of monochrome, you know, all black and white and your ears are ringing. You now realize that was blood in your sandwich, you appear to have cut off your entire thumb in the sandwich making process. Not to fear. Pass out standing up and leaning on the side. This will add a special ingredient to your super sammich. Drool. Come round in about 5 mins. Don't bother trying to cut more bread. Instead, just place you head and mouth in general direction of said contents of sammich and proceed to "munch".

LEFTOVERS
Right, you've learned from your mistakes. No more complicated meals. Just have that leftover pizza. Or maybe that Chinese takeaway. The pizza looks kind of inviting... but it's just plain cheese, and you want something spicier... hey, wait a minute, why not, like, put the chow mien on top of the pizza, and put it in the microwave? Mmm... not bad, but it needs a little something... got it! Potato salad! But wait, the potato salad is cold. You could put it on top of the pizza-mien and microwave it, but then the chow mein will be too hot and the pizza base will go soggy. You'd better fry the potato salad separately. Crap, where's the fry pan? Oh, well, you can always use that pressure cooker you got as a wedding present and never used. Place potato salad in pressure cooker and place on high heat. Get bored, and finally forget about the potatoes. Finish chow mein pizza, which is now cold. Go to bed. Awake early next morning to sounds of spousal screaming coming from kitchen. Hide under pillows. Await inevitable.

CLEANING UP!

Don't. It will just make matters worse. Just make a note to buy flowers on your way home from work tomorrow hope that your spouse... HOLY CRAP! WORK! You're due at the office in three hours! CRAP! 

The best pasta in town, but only open on weekdays for lunch. -Gwenda

So greasy, you could use them to grease your axle. -Gwenda