It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. Pepé has another suggestion, one that has worked through zee ages: zee "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to zee club on Friday night!

Fact: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and zee part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
Fact: Zee average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose zee medically safe two to three pounds a week. On zee "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
Fact: Zee alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes zee water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of zee chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as zee case may be).
Fact: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience zee occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
Fact: Zee "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
Fact: On zee "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. Zee only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of zee day's required beers. This way zee food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise zee deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, zee "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
Fact: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of zee opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to zee bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to zee extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to zee diet plan than yourself.
Fact: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for... how you say... diet implementation.

Caution: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during zee work week by only zee staunchest of dieters.