Well it’s Academy Award time and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be going to see all of the new films at the theaters. Just thinking about those Movie Morons makes me hotter than the bulb on Dennis McCarty’s Super 8 projector.
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Those Cinema Softies will going to those fancy schmancy cineplexes with stadium seating, surround sound, reclining seats, cup holders, and extra leg room. Why don’t they just give you a “pillow and a blankie” and let you spend the night? When I was a kid we went to the Roseville Theatre and it had one screen with a stain on it, no cup holder, metal seats, and no leg room. You put your drink between your legs and didn’t even think of putting your feet on the floor, because a rat might bite you. Sure they only showed movies about 5 years after their original release and you’d come out of the theatre smelling like mildew, but we didn’t care we loved it! Because it was only $1.99 and popcorn was only one cent.

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And those Gourmet Goofballs will be getting all kinds of snacks; they’ll get nachos, hot dogs, pretzels, pizza, and a churro (whatever that is). When I was a kid, if you wanted a snack you got a flat coke with too much syrup and a box of milk duds. Sure they had popcorn, but nobody ate it. It was usually cold, damp, and you didn’t know what was crawling in it. We ate sticky candy and flat pop but we didn’t care, we loved it. Because after you finished the Milk Duds you could blow into the empty box and make a funny noise.
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And now those Internet Idiots go on-line to buy their tickets at Fandango.com. My dad wouldn’t think of buying tickets in advance. If the movie was sold out, he’d just buy tickets to another movie in the Cineplex. One time when “The Natural” was sold out, he and my mom bought tickets to “Pumpkinhead” and then snuck in the theatre where “The Natural” was playing. Sure that meant some poor sucker didn’t get a seat, but he didn’t care, he loved it.

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So you go to your local Cineplex and see Benjamin Buttons. I’m going back to the Roseville Theater and going to see “Gator” with Burt Reynolds and Lauren Hutton for $1.99. And while you are listening to your Dolby Surround Sound, I’ll be eating Milk Duds and smelling like a swamp.