 Dear Editor, I heard the recent Batman comic was loaded with profanities and they had to black out the words. Has anything like that ever happened with The Metro? -Your F ing Brother
ED NOTE: I have Margaret, my good conscience who keeps me and my writers in check. However, a long time before coming to the McCarty Metro, in the days of Vaudeville, Peanut & Jocko once appeared in a cartoon with the girl from Nantuckett. Need I say more?
Dear Editor: As long as you are telling about all of the McCarty Injuries, I slipped and fell really hard on the sidewalk. I thought I broke my tail bone, but when Kathlene looked she said there was just a crack. -Jerry
ED NOTE: I told you not to stuff your recreational drugs in the back of your pants. But seriously, if I found out you stepped on a crack, and my mother's back is broken. You and I will have some problems.
. Dear Editor: Please find enclosed a cleaning bill for my carpet after I spit up my dinner looking at the surgery close up on last month's news. -Barf Mecookies
ED NOTE: If that made you sick, try just taking a look at the hospital bill. | 
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Dear Editor: Who is the Metro's Capitol Hill reporter? Why are both presidential candidates willing to deliver my taxes in a brown paper sack to guys on Wall Street? Do we get a prospectus in return? What is the reaction from Sussex Avenue? -- Confused in Grand Rapids
ED NOTE: You sure ask a lot of questions from a guy from Grand Rapids. Through massive budget cuts here at the Metro, we have had to combine departments. The Capitol Hill / Bluegrass Music division is headed up by veteran reporter Mike McCarty. Currently, Mike is working on a hard-hitting expose' with award-winning fiddler Michael Cleveland and his band, Flamekeeper. I think all our readers want to know what the difference is between a fiddle and a violin. Until that issue is solved, the prospectus is dim, brown paper sacks of dog poop, and Sussex reaction will be forced to wait.
. Dear Editor: Where does Halloween fall in your list of favorite holidays? -John
ED NOTE: Halloween has always been my favorite holiday of the year. I would like to wish all the Metro Readers a Spooktacular Halloween. On a serious note though... WHAT THE HECK IS A GOBLIN - So a ghost is a ghost and a ghoul is a ghost and a pumpkin isn't scary. So what's a goblin and why must I hear about them every year? When I googled "goblins" I found a website that defined them as being "a different, more grotesque variety of gnomes." And a gnome is defined as "a race of small, misshapen, dwarf-like creatures that dwell in the earth." So according to these definitions, a goblin is an ugly midget. Wow. Scary. And to think all I've ever seen were drop dead gorgeous midgets. If I were an ugly midget, I'd be pretty freaked out on my first Halloween when I saw all these kids dressed up as, well, me. Yeah, that's gonna leave a scar. | 
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Also, I would like to have been there at the conception of the song "TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET, GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT" This is perhaps one of the worst, most disgusting holiday rhymes ever. "Yum, your feet smell like the back side of a mule. I think I'll give you a candy apple." It must have been some burnout who got so stoned, he forgot to complete his 8th grade poetry homework. So at the last minute he had to come up with something. He looked at the date. It was Halloween. He looked around his room. Dirty socks and underwear covers the floor. He looked at his bong. Hello munchies. Oh... the royalties must just be pouring in. |
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