Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work at 9323 Sussex dressed according to your salary. 2) If I see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, I will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days: I will no longer accept Dr. Fenner's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. I will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the Metro bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the McCarty Metro's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Average people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to the McCarty Metro. I am here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. -Kelly McCarty, Editor