The McCarty Metro - Da Funnies

Baby,
It's Cold Outside!

Pried from my cold dead hands

70^o	(21C) and above Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Michigan go swimming
60^o	(16C) North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Michigan plant gardens.
50^o	(10C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Michigan sunbathe.
40^o	(4C) Italian & English cars won't start. People in Michigan drive with the windows down.
32^o	(0C) Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior 's water gets thicker.
20^o	(-7C) Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt
10^o	(-12C) Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold
0^o	(-18C) People in Miami all di e... Michiganders lick the flagpole.
-20^o	(-29C) Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Michigan get out their winter coats.
-40^o	(-40C) Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.
-60^o	(-51C) Polar bears evacuate the Arctic . Michigan Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival class until it's cold enough
-80^o	(-62C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. People in Michigan rent some videos.
-100^o	(-73C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
-297^o	(-183C) Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Michigan complain about farmers cold hands.
-460^o	(-273C) All atomic motion stops (absolute zero/ Kelvin scale). People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500^o	(-296C) Hell freezes over. The Lions win the Super Bowl!

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN?

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.! You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

VALENTINE'S DAY PICKUP LINES

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I have fries with that shake!
You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

NATIONAL SECURITY WARNING

It seems that the number of Taliban that have illegally immigrated to the US over the past several years cannot be measured. They filter in with the legal immigrants, but still spread their hatred for the US. The department of National Security has issued these guidelines for citizens to be aware of their neighbors. These are ways you can know if your neighbor is a Taliban.

He is amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

He refines heroin for a living, but has a moral objection to beer.
He owns a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes.
He has more wives than teeth.
He thinks vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
He has opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
He had his camel repossessed.
He can't think of anyone he HASN'T declared Jihad against.
He considers television dangerous, but routinely carries ammunition in his robe.
He has asked you "Does this burka make my ass look too big?"
He's felt the urge to "rub her out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
He has uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
He wipes his butt with his bare left hand, but considers bacon "unclean."

SUPERMARKET PICKUP

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out a drunk man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

LOVE...

I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate -- but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.