DATELINE: UNDER THE BASEMENT STEPS
There has been a change of heart in the annual Christmas Name Draw. Threatened by a court injunction, and on the advice of their legal counsel (Cousin Tony), Kelly McCarty held the drawing on Thanksgiving evening with a court appointed non-participant drawing the names. The drawing is just held for the McCarty brothers and their spouses. There is a $15 limit on all gifts. Here are the results...
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DATELINE: LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
Jerry and Kathlene served Thanksgiving Dinner at the LA Mission for 3,000 Homeless. Celebriities at the Mission included Kirk Douglas, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cindy Crawford, Wilmer Valderrama, Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., Christopher Lowell, Former Laker AC Green, LA Mayor Antonio Villaragossa

DATELINE: METRO CORPORATE OFFICES
Kelly McCarty, the editor of the McCarty Metro, has agreed to another year of running the McCarty Metro. It will be Kelly's 18th year of running the publication (into the ground). Kelly insists that he is just "holding down the fort" until Mike McCarty frees himself from the Grand Rapids Press contract to run things underneath the basement steps. Kelly has indicated that he will publish 9 monthly editions next year which is the same as this past year. There will be no January, April, or August editions.

DATELINE: GULL LAKE, MICHIGAN
In light of the November elections, The Gull Lake golf course would like to inform all golfers to some major rule changes  to the game of golf. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten now. Here are a couple of basic changes that GULL LAKE XXV will have to utilize:

Golfers with handicaps - below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35% - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees - above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played The $ Amount put in for greenies will be as follows:  -for handicaps below 10 an additional $1 -between 11 and 18 no additional amount -above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play. The term "gimme putt" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows: -handicaps below 10, no entitlements -handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts -handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same. In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above. This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score. These new rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about fairness only, it should have nothing to do with ability.

DATELINE: OAKLAND TOWNSHIP, MICHIGAN
On November 13th at 6pm, Steve McCarty was sitting at home in his luxurious mansion when the doorbell rang.  When he answered the door, a 6' 2" cockroach carrying a guitar was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and ran off. The next evening, McCarty was again sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, Steve O was sitting at home yet again when the doorbell rang. This time, when he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again, and it leapt at him and stabbed him several times and hit him over the head with the guitar before making off. Kristen and the girls weren't home, so a gravely injured Steve managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care and they saved his life. The next morning, when the doctor was doing his rounds, he asked Steve what happened. McCarty explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor then informed the soon-to-be 41 year old McCarty, that there was indeed a nasty bug going around.