. | THE GREAT ESCAPE
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Morris and his wife Ethel went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Ethel always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". One year Ethel and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Ethel, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Ethel replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Ethel agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars." |
| UNCLE KELLY'S
BEDTIME NURSERY RHYMES | Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread. | 
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The Adventures Of Lassie |  Q. Do female frogs croak? A. If you hold their little heads under water long enough. |
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Here is a handy guide for deciphering some of the "vague" language you will find in a personal advertisement.
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FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish - 48
Adventurer - Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic - Flat-chested
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Bring your penicillin
Educated - College dropout
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
Feminist - Fat; ball buster
Free spirit - Substance user
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Comatose
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud
Passionate - Loud
Poet - Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional - Real Witch
Redhead - Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque - Grossly Fat
Romantic - Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking
Widow - Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart - Toothless crone | 
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking - Hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit - Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking - Arrogant
Honest - Pathological Liar
Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle - Insecure, overly dependent
Mature - Until you get to know him
Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister
Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual - Once went to church Easter Sunday
Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested |
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 | Just The
 Teacher: Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Pupil: Must have been a duck family
Teacher: A duck family?
Pupil: Didn't you say there was a quack in it! Teacher: What was Camelot?
Pupil: A place where people parked their camels!
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Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbor?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down! |
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 A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes. |  | The first passenger says: "I am David Beckham, the best soccer player in the world. LA needs me, and I cannot die on my fans." He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane. |
|  | The second passenger, Hillary Clinton says: "I am the wife of the former President of the US. I am the senator from New York, and the future President of the United States. She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. |
|  | The third passenger, George W. Bush says: "I am the President of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in history and can't shun the responsibility of my people by dying." He grabs a pack and jumps out. |
|  | The fourth passenger, the Pope says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy: "I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should, and so I shall leave the last parachute to you. You have the rest of your life ahead of you." |
|  | To this, the little boy say: "Don't fret old man... There is a parachute for each of us. The smartest President of America took my schoolbag..." |
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