The McCarty Metro - Da Funnies

Once Again, Discrimination Rears Its Ugly Head

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband: Nothing. Wife: "What do you mean, nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour now." Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune."

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever." The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

UNCLE KELLY'S
NURSERY RHYMES & BEDTIME STORIES

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too cuz he was gay!

Bet Ya Never Saw A Dog With 3 Balls

A farmer had a nagging wife. From dawn till dusk, she always complained about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her instantly.
.
Days later at the funeral, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to him and asked why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

.
I wonder what ever happened to the kid from Mad Magazine.

Did he ever grow up?

THINGS I HATE MORE THAN THIS
DANG BLASTED MCCARTY METRO!!!!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
.
When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
.
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

.
People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
.
When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts!