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 Well I just got finished attending one of those after Oscar parties and watching these so called “Super Stars” of Hollywood eat Spring Rolls and other fancy schmancy hors’ de vours makes me hotter than the inside of a Geno’s Pizza Roll. The Hollywood Celebrities when I was growing up were a lot cooler than these Prima Donnas nowadays.
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| You should have seen Leonardo Di Caprio eating mini crabcakes like they were going out of style. And everybody was all abuzz “Ohhh, Leo’s such a versatile actor,” Give me a break, I can’t get excited over anybody who cut their acting chops on “Growing Pains”. And that goes for George Clooney too. He learned how to act from Tootie and Mrs. Garrett on “Facts of Life.” When I was growing up we had Actors who learned their technique from the best. Burt Reynolds learned his craft while playing the blacksmith on “Gunsmoke.” I’m sure when he was making movies like “Smokey and the Bandit” he was thinking about the acting tips he had gotten from Festus Haggen. Sure Burt made a bunch of crappy movies with Dom Deluise, but we didn’t care, we loved him. Cause he would cut off Johnny Carson’s tie. | 
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And everybody nowadays gets so excited about Lindsay Lohan getting drunk on Cosmopolitans and Lemon Drop Martinis and then throwing up on Paris Hilton. When we were growing up, we had real actresses. In 1973, Tatum O’Neal won the Oscar for “Paper Moon”, drank a fifth of Jack Daniels and then beat the snot out of Linda Blair. And she didn’t have any entourage to protect her from the Paparazzi either. She had to face it head on. Luckily, she had a stable father that could take care of her.
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| And today’s tough guys like Sean Penn and Ben Affleck were eating tuna tartare buy the netful. Those sushi sissies wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes with the tough guys when I was growing up. Steve McQueen would have mopped the floor with Spicoli and then called up Charles Bronson share a beer and steak and then wipe his mouth with Affeck’s rented tuxedo. |
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So next year, I’m holding my own party and inviting the only tough guys that are left from Hollywood. It’s gonna be me, Kirk Douglas, Martin Landeau, and Clint Eastwood and we’re gonna drink whiskey and eat meat. And then after dinner were gonna have dessert. I wonder if we can get a plate of assorted prunes with a glaze of chocolate laxative. |
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