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For the uninitiated, The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who, uh, remove themselves from it.

1st Place:
August, 2006 brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place. 14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. ED NOTE: If it wasn’t scrap then, it certainly is now!

2nd Place:
On April 17, 2006 in jolly ol' England, we find that there’s always someone who thinks good advice doesn’t apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that the one thing you must not do is go near a flame, as you are going to be covered with a flammable material, most people would take this advice onboard, and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed. However, Phillip, 60, knew better than his doctor. Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream would ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. But he just, couldn’t live without that cigarette. Smoking was not permitted anywhere on the ward, but Phillip took this setback in stride, and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up, inhaled, and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. Things went downhill only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel. The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pajamas ignited. The resulting inferno, cremated his skin condition, and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment, he died in intensive care. ED NOTE: I'm sure you'll see that one on one of those anti-smoking "Truth" commercials.

3rd Place:
Once again in England, two people, 17 and 20, who imitated Darth Vader, made light sabers from fluorescent light tubes. That’s right, they opened up fluorescent tubes, poured gasoline inside, and lit the end. As one can imagine, a Star Wars sized explosion was not far behind. One died, the other survived to fess up to their creative, but stupid, reenactment. Darwin says: Some moderators say 17 is too young, but I disagree. This one passes the minors rule because 17 is legal driving age. Old enough to pump gas is old enough to know not to light it. ED NOTE: I guess the FORCE was not with them, master Luke. Stupid, they are.
 
Honorable Mention:
During April in the golden state of California, an adult education teacher gave 25 students an impromptu lesson in safety during his safety class. Using opaque reasoning, Teach figured the 40-mm shell he had found on a hunting trip must be inert. He kept the round and used it as a paperweight on his desk. After all, ordnance is such a unique conversation piece. But more notably, this particular ordnance was the teacher's ticking ticket to fame. One spring morning, a bug crawled across his desk. Should he squash it with a tissue? Sweep it out the door? Leave it to pursue its happy existence, and continue on with his lesson? No; the teacher picked another alternative. He took up the "inert" artillery shell and slammed it onto the short-lived insect. The impact set off the primer, and the resulting explosion caused him burns and shrapnel lacerations on his hand, forearm, and torso. No one else in the classroom was hurt. To the teacher's further consolation, his actions did succeed in one respect: the bug was eliminated. Darwin asks, What class was he teaching? 

Honorable Mention:
A medical story... with a happy ending. On May 26, 2006 in Malaysia, a woman found a text message another woman left on her husband's phone. A bitter spousal argument ensued. In a desperate effort to prove his faithfulness, her 41-year-old husband rushed from the room and cut off his own penis. In earlier times, he would have succeeded in ending his reproductive days. But modern medicine is miraculous. The organ was reattached by doctors, and the man earns an Honorable Mention for his heroic, but ultimately unsuccessful, effort to remove himself from the gene pool. Reader comment: "We must resist temptation to laugh at the irony that the candidate's wife might resent a lack of future sexual favors from her husband, more than she resented his provision of those favors to another women. We must assume that he knew his wife better than we do.

Darwin Award Nominee Take a deep breath... (3 June 2006, Florida) Two more candidates have thrown themselves into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara, both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara attended community college, but apparently their education had glossed over the importance of oxygen. When one breathes helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one's life. The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter. Sheriff's deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. No drugs or alcohol were found. The medical examiner reported that helium inhalation was a significant factor in their deaths. A family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked fun and it cost her."

Darwin Award Nominee
(September 2006, Florida) A fearsome mythical giant was felled by a humble slingshot. But a modern spear gun vs. an underwater leviathan is another tale altogether, as a Florida man discovered. Outlawed in 1990, hunting Goliath-sized groupers remains surprisingly popular. These fish can weigh hundreds of pounds, yet there are underwater hunters who choose to tether themselves to such muscular sea creatures. However unlikely a pursuit, the poaching of groupers by divers and snorkelers continues, in defiance of both the law and common sense. Of this elite group, our Darwin Award winner distinguished himself yet further by disregarding one essential spear fishing precaution. By embarking on this hunt without a knife to cut himself loose, the "fit and experienced snorkeler was guaranteeing that his next attack on a giant grouper would be his last.Why anyone thinks it's a good idea to tether yourself to a fish twice your size, I don't know. Some time later, the body of the spear fisher was found pinned to the coral, 17 feet underwater. Three coils of line were wrapped around his wrist, and one very dead grouper was impaled at the other end of the line. In those final hours, the tables were turned, and the fish was given an opportunity to reflect on the experience of "catching a person."

WHY BOTHER TO WEAR A HELMET

Here are a couple of fellows that you may be reading about for next years' Darwin Award. Really.... Why do they bother wearing helmets.
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