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New Rule #1:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason I don't talk to people for 25 years. Because I don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days mowing my lawn.
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New Rule #2:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull
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New Rule #3:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
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New Rule #4:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this stuff at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water. | 
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New Rule #5:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he'll be dead from whatever the pill was for. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
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New Rule #6:
Complicated Starbucks order. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," you will be taken out behind the store and shot.
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New Rule #7:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, enter my PIN number, press "Enter", verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
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New Rule #8:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt, ok, and it translates "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're stoopid.
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New Rule #9:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the 7 deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, (because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too exciting). What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
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New Rule #10:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so they can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place; the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule #11:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving; its white people's version of looting.
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 | New Rule #12:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. If he's 27 months; he's two. That will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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New Rule #13:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh on your body. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?" |
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