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Well it’s Christmastime and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be going to all kinds of fancy, schmancy, Holiday Parties. I can see those Yuletide Yahoos wearing their Christmas Ties and Santa Hats. Just thinking of those Fa La La Losers gets me more wired than the electrical outlet behind my Artificial Christmas tree. We had way better Christmas parties when I was a kid.
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Those Pampered Pinecones will be having their parties in their country clubs and banquet halls. When I was a kid we had our Christmas Parties in our basement. You’d have to walk down the wooden stairs into a freezing cold basement. We used to take bets on which one of our relatives would break a hip coming down the stairs. But, when you got down there it would be decorated to a T, with an aluminum Christmas tree and wooden folding chairs. Sure it was freezing cold and you might walk into a pole but we didn’t care, we loved it! Because it was Christmas!

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And I bet those Gourmet Goofballs will be having all kinds of fancy schmancy food at their parties. “Ewww, I think the Oakiness of the Pinot Grigio brings out the natural flavors of the Honeybaked Ham”. Fiddle-Foey!! When I was a kid the only food we got came on a Lunch Meat platter from Farmer Jacks. And all that was on the platter was ham with a toothpick in it and some stale bread. My Mom would put the platter in the garage so that it would keep cold and we’d be sitting there eating frozen Ham & Cheese Sandwiches. And to drink, we had Orange Pineapple Soda from Towne Club Pop. The only thing Towne Club Pop brought out was a gigantic burp that would make you taste the French Onion Chip Dip you had two hours before. Sure we had frozen stale sandwiches and watered down Pop, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!
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And I’m sure those Noel Nincompoops will be having all kinds of relatives over to their parties to try and get them to give them good presents. When we were kids, we hid from our relatives. My aunts would come over all covered in Make-Up with Lip Stick caked on like it was going out of style. Those Avon-soaked Aunts would chase us around trying to kiss us and tell us how big we had gotten. Later on, they would be downstairs drinking High Balls and I would be upstairs huddled up in a fetal position under my bed with Lip Stick all over my face. Sure, I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking of those crazy aunts, but I didn’t care, It was Christmas!!

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So you go to your fancy parties and have your fancy food. As for me, I’m having an old fashioned Christmas and I’m gonna find a basement somewhere and drink a case of Towne Club Pop. And while your trying to find your designated driver, I’ll be trying to remember the last time I had Chip Dip. Buuuurrrrppp!!

Merry Christmas!!