| SYMPTOM | CAUSE | TREATMENT |
| Feet cold and wet | Glass Being held at incorrect angle | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Improper Bladder Control | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless | a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself leashed to bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes | You have fallen forward | See above |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet | a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
| Floor Blurred | You are looking through bottom of empty glass | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Floor moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
| Room seems unusually dark | Bar has closed | Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on someone cushy-looking |
| Beer is crystal-clear | It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up | Punch him |
| People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup | You're in the ladies' room | Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | You have been in a fight | Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in | You've wandered into the wrong party | See if they have free beer |
| Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk | a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy | Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach |
| You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps | You're in a gay bar | Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs |
| Your singing sounds distorted | The beer is too weak | Have more beer until your voice improves |
| Don't remember the words to the song | Beer is just right | Play air guitar |
| You could have sworn that the singer in the bang just sang the line "Peed in his little pants" | You are at a Cockroach concert | Hold on to your beer because the lead singer will kick it over during 3 Stooges Rock & Roll |
