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.I told the Metro editor that I quit after the summer Florida fiasco that I had to endure and wrote about last month. But lo and behold, Kelly and his group of high-priced lawyers displayed a contract, so here I am again this month, with my Metro article. As you may have read from that aforementioned article, my cat, Whiskers, exploded over the summer. Gail did allow me to get another cat, so I named him Whiskers Jr. I love W- Jr. and promised to keep him away from the dangers of any Metro assignments. Since I got W-Jr., I've learned quite a bit about cats like what causes them to explode, how to dispose of dead bird carcasses on my porch, how to repair scratch marks in expensive furniture without my wife seeing it, and of course, how to give your 4 legged friend his medications. | | .
Now... Just to keep Kelly and those vultures he calls lawyers happy, here is my article for October. I do have to advise you that I am not a licensed veterinarian... Hell... I don't even play one on TV. However, I do know the proper steps to give your cat a pill. |
Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill 1. Pick your cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
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4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
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5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call Steve O and Don Lambert for reinforcements. | 
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6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by your cat. Get Steve O to hold head firmly while Don forces a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
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7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains before Gail gets home. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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8. Wrap cat in large towel and get Don to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Have Steve O put the pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
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9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and have Steve O drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to Don's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
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10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Don forces the cats mouth open with dessert spoon, while Steve O flicks pill down throat with elastic band.
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11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and screw cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compresses to Steve O's cheek and have Kristen check records for date of his last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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12. Call up the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
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| 13. Have Don tie the cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
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14. Get Don to drive you and Steve O to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from my right eye. Stop at Art Van's Furniture on way home to order new table.
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15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the stinkin cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. |
Thanks again Kelly! I swear I will call my own lawyer and get me out of my Metro contract. Mark my words.... I WILL NOT WRITE AGAIN FOR THIS RAG YOU CALL A NEWSPAPER! You are the most horrible editor and human being in the entire world. You should be ashamed of yourself for putting me through HELL for the past 6 months. I hope you leave your window open one night and a woodpecker flies in and pokes you in the eye. By the way, is Frank gonna be at Gull Lake in the spring? Don and I are looking forward to it. (if we're healed)
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