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Aging| Games For When We Get Older: 1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy |
| | Signs Of Menopause: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. |
| | Old Is When: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! |
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you
give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? |
| A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies.
.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
.
"Sure."
.
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
.
"No, I can remember it."
.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
.
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
.
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
.
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs.
.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? |
|  . An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!" |
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| Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. |
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| A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty." |
| Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." |
| | . | . |
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." |
|  | You know you're getting old when...
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. |  |
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| The Cockroaches On Jay Leno  .......
An aging Eric Swan with his trademark mustache,
belts out 3 Stooges Rock & Roll | Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. 'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!' 'Ah, that's nothin',' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!' 'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.' 'Do you have trouble peeing too?' asked the 60-year-old. 'No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all.'
'Do you have trouble crapping?'
'No, I crap every morning at 6:30.'
'With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, 'Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?' 'I don't wake up until 7:00.' |
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