The McCarty Metro - Jerry's World

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Jerry's World
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Well it’s 2006, and that means there is a new McCarty Grandbrat in the family. I’m sure Maxwell McCarty is already being spoiled by his parents and grandparents to high heaven. Just thinking about that little Infant Infidel makes me hotter than a jar of microwavable strained peas. When I was a kid, we had it much harder than these prima donna Pamper-wearing pests.

On I’m sure Andy and Ann are using those special lotion filled pampers with Velcro and changing diapers 12 times a day. And I bet they fold up the soiled diapers into some little neat package that looks like a Baby Poop Doggie Bag package. When I was a kid we used cloth diapers and we were lucky to get a change a day, my Mom would put us in plastic pants so that the dirty diaper wouldn’t get any of her stuff wet. After wearing those plastic pants it was like some musty messy experiment was going on in my diaper. And we didn’t have any Velcro back then. They were held on by sharp, dangerous, safety pins and if you fooled around while you were getting changed you might get stuck. Sure, we got our hips impaled and our asses were as red as a baboon’s but we didn’t care, we were happy with what we had.

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And you can bet that that house in Maryland is covered with all the Baby Proofing stuff that is known to man. They’ll have baby-proofed doors, baby-proofed drawers, baby-proofed outlets, and baby-proofed faucets. The only thing those plastic protectors prevent is Grandpa Mike from leaving the house. When we were kids, we didn’t have any of that sissy stuff, cause we didn’t need it! We learned quickly not to fool around with the wall outlets. Nothing can teach you safety like 110 Volts of house current going through your body after you stick a slinky in the electrical outlet. We got electrocuted, burned, and fell down the steps, but we only did it once.
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And those traveling toddlers will have their cars outfitted like the Batmobile for Babies. They will have a child seat with a sippy cup holder and twin restraints. And they’ll have a DVD Player in the car so they can watch Baby Einstein or Boobahs. When I was a kid we didn’t have car seats or even seat belts. I would just get wedged in the middle of the front seat between my Mom and my Dad and the only thing I got to watch was my Dad smoking and spitting out the driver’s side window. And with 8 kids and 2 parents in the car, we didn’t have room for any “sippy cups”. We were packed like sardines but we didn’t care we were happy with what we had.

So you keep spitting out grandbrats and spoiling ‘em. And when you’re ready, pack your diaper bag into your SUV and come out to California. And while your teaching them to be soft, I’ll be playing electric Slinky with’em.