Well it’s August, and that means it’s time for the Dan McCarty Golf Classic. I can picture those Goofy Golfing Grandbrats driving around in their golf carts pretending they are all sophisticated and everything. Just thinking about those pretentious putters makes me hotter than those vinyl seats in the golf cart on a hot day. DJ wouldn’t have wasted his day golfing with those losers.
Those little high and mighty hackers will have their expensive custom-made golf clubs. “Ohh! I have custom made shafts and special custom leather grips that fit my hand perfectly.” Fiddle Fooey!! The only custom-made thing in DJ’s golf bag was the ball retriever with an extra 20-foot extension that he added so he could get balls from really big ponds. And the grip on that thing was black duct tape and old golf towel. DJ would still cut his hand on that crappy hacksawed ball retriever, but he didn’t care, he loved it! Because, while I was taking my fifth shot from a sand trap, he could get balls from two fairways over.
.
| And those Refreshment Rejects will be spending all kinds of money at the Beer Cart at the Dan McCarty Golf Classic. Oh, they’ll be buying beer, pop, pretzels, chips, power bars, snickers bars, doughnuts, and all kinds of other expensive stuff. DJ wouldn’t have spent 15 cents at that over-priced Beverage Cart. DJ would load up his golf bag with apples, oranges, bananas, and sunflower seeds. He’d even put a frozen jug of water in there so that it would melt and he’d have cold water at the turn. He had so much food in that golf bag, he didn’t have room for anything else. One time, I ran out of balls and tried to borrow one from him. I had to finish the round putting a plum!! | 
|
And that Steve McCarty loves to have a shotgun start, with every team starting at a different hole. Since there are more teams than holes, that means sometimes there’s more than one person on a hole. Last year, he started Mike McCarty in a ditch 60 yards from the tee box. If they want to make a true Dan McCarty Golf Classic, they should start the same way Dan started a round of golf. DJ would park on a road next to the course and sneak onto the 3rd hole so that he didn’t have to pay. Then he would quit on the second to last hole before the clubhouse and nobody was the wiser. We’d sneak onto courses without paying, but we didn’t care, we loved it. Because it was easier to break 100 when you only play 15 holes.
So you have your little golfing Extravagonzo!! As for me, I’m gonna golf the way DJ would. After you put your ball in the water on the 16th hole, you’ll see me sitting down by the water with my 50-foot ball retriever, eating a plum and drinking out of a frozen water jug. And I ain’t payin’ a dime to get there!! |
